2021 was the worst year of my life. I know as I publish this post it is not over. Well, I am calling it for me. I am done with 2021, but I do appreciate it.

Going into 2020 I had quit my teaching job. I worked in a very dangerous school. Violence was all of around us. The school year began with adults, not even the kids, having shoot outs in front of the school. By the winter break everyone was on edge. All the positives we were doing seemed so small. They even closed the schools early for winter break because of how dangerous it had become.

So, coming back I was in the wrong state of mind. As soon as we resumed, I had a massive panic attack. EMTs were called. My wife had to come pick me up. That night we decided I would quit. I went to a therapist. I was diagnosed with PTSD. Then, the pandemic hit, and I became fine for a while. After months of dangerous panic attacks and alcohol abuse my mind was clear. The whole world was shut down. Nothing was happening.

By the end of the year, I had noticed I had gained a lot of weight. I was close to 300 pounds. I was ashamed. I knew I should not have looked or felt the way I did, so I did something about it.

The first 3 months of 2021 were great for me. They were not for my wife. I was losing weight. I transitioned fully to online education. I started this blog which I am proud of. I went back into the world because very few people were in it. My wife did the opposite.

March 28th, we separated. At this point I am going to generalize. This post is not about her. We had issues. Then, a couple of her family members did some things I felt were wrong and I confronted them. This was her last straw.

Within a week, they had filed paperwork to have me vacate my home. I was not too concerned. I did not like the place. Nothing about it suited me. The ceilings were too low. I was isolated from the world. We had to share a laundry room. My in-laws being my landlords gave them too much power over me. What I did not expect was what was to happen next. I did not expect them to come in and grab the dog and run. I use her for therapy. I spent 6 grand and waited 5 months to gain access to her again. Amazing dog. This triggered everything that is bad about my PTSD. One move broke me again. This would not be the first time they would come and take things and I would have to go to the police for my safety.

My family and friends got me out of there. Thank god for them. They have been my support team throughout this. The helped me go to the bank to take out money so I could pay for my lawyers. They moved all my stuff. They are the ones who keep pushing me to get back to a version of my old self.

It has been rough since March. I have been in and out of the hospital numerous times. I did not realize at the time, but there were times I was trying to kill myself. Every doctor I went to thought answer was more drugs. For me they are drugs because of their negative effects, for some of you they might help, and I am happy for you. They were enabling the suicidal thoughts, so in November I went off of them. The first 3 weeks were great. I was traveling. I was helping people up and down the East Coast. The dog was a hit with the entire family. My 83-year-old grandmother who has a bad heart and has survived cancer was revitalized. Before she could not walk 5 steps without getting tired, here she was playing with a hyper dog. I thought I got lucky, no withdrawal. I thought I was back. I jinxed myself. that came at the end of November. I lost a few days in my head. People were telling me we were having conversations that I have no recollection of. I had my wife pick up the dog early because my body was all over the place. I was super strong then super weak. I felt high with nothing in my system.

This is not everything, but I think I have setup this next part well enough you do not need to know the rest.

Now, if you have gotten this far you might wonder about the title. Why am I grateful? I found out I was in a toxic relationship that I would have never ended. It's over. I found out just how much everyone cares about me. I found out what I want to do for a living for the rest of my life. I have found my bottom. I am no longer on the prescriptions that were hurting me. I have a clear head again. Finally, I am grateful for many of you. I have not published for some time for obvious reasons. You guys still read and liked. A little joy in some dark times. So, thank you to all who did. i hope the end of the year goes well for you. I will see you next year.

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