Suicide has been an occurring theme in my life. My grandfather completed a horrific suicide before I was born when my mother was a young child. The family story was he died in a car accident. It was only a sliver of the truth because at the time there was a lot of shame in family members taking their own life. I found out the horrible reality of my grandfather's suicide from my great-grandmother. I learned further details from the newspaper and autopsy reports. Later, I found that my grandfather's mother had also ended her life a decade before he did.
The summer after I graduated high school, I was working at a factory outlet complex. My friend called me to go to the movies. He was jovial which was out of character. It was extremely out of character. I said no because honestly, I didn't have the money to go. I found out another 10 of our peer group had been invited and declined. The next morning we found that we lost our friend in a suicide at his family's home. I have always wondered if just one of us had gone to the movies with him if we would have changed his narrative. His mother let us read the note he left behind. The dramatic change in mood was because he felt as though he finally had control of his life. I have often wondered if he had a better support system if that would have made a difference. The depression medications he took had some very distressing side effects for a young man.
My cousin died by suicide a decade ago. I was responsible for informing our family members. He was in the turmoil of drug addiction. He had exhausted his immediate family. We hadn't talked in a few years because life had gotten crazy with work and families. He had a serious car accident and became addicted to pain pills. My reaction was rage that he didn't reach out to me. That was my ego talking because the sorrow was too deep to feel. My role in the family had always been to fix people's problems. My cousin and I were close growing up. It was as though I lost a sibling.
My sibling has survived 2 near fatal suicide attempts. Both times I was called and was able to provide the appropriate intervention. I always took my sibling's idealizations of suicide seriously.
One of the things that I have noticed in the commonality of suicide is the grotesque discussion of the mechanics of a person's termination of life. I refuse to fully disclose the morbid details of family and friend suicide. I have been asked many times, "Why, won't you tell me the method? The reason is do we tell the morbid details of someone's last deathbed moments from cancer or other terminal illnesses? We do not. Depression and drug addiction are often terminal illnesses.
My biggest questions about suicide are around the why, (if I am close to that person)what could I have done, and what can I do for the family in the aftermath? I have carried my cousin's suicide note for a decade. I was given a copy of it. I finally read it today. It was sad that he felt so alone, broken, and lost. I am convinced that if we had gotten him to rehab we might have been able to save him with treatment. We will never know. It is hard to sit with the unknowns as family and friends survivors.
. Three days before I made this we had our first Colorado snow fall 2022 ! I have been craving for stew !!! I made with water 
and all the flavors just worked together in one big pot !! So yummy y'all" 
