A couple of days ago I wrote about how we're really struggling with some thoughts. They're thoughts about our identity and what makes us lovable. They're also thoughts about our future and about safety.
Lately we've been struggling a lot with the thought of maybe NOT being "brilliant" like someone told me once, with not being impressively intelligent, as our mom's boss still seems to think of us. And we've been struggling with the underlying fears of that.
It's been an eye-opener to have conversations about this inside.
There are so many false beliefs connected to being "Super Smart":
I don't want to list them all here, but let's start with this one: Not being "super smart" means we're not lovable and not "special".
Because there is still the belief that deep inside we're not good people - a "good person". That all the sweetness and kindness towards other people is fake. That we're only faking being kind and sweet because we try to cover up how truly AWFUL we really are.
There's still this picture in our mind that deep inside we're covered in sticky black goo. A slime that will infect the people around us if we let it be seen, or at least will make EVERYONE turn away from us if they saw what and who we truly are.
I am very sad about this belief inside and the panic that arises when I suggest that maybe there's more that's lovable about us than our intelligence. It's a wave of despair that comes at the thought that maybe we're NOT that intelligent. And I really struggle to argue against it because it is just hugely EMOTIONAL. All my words don't seem to be able to touch this emotional turmoil.
So I am thinking, maybe I need to hold that part inside that feels so alone, so lonely, so terrified, so dirty, so horrible and ugly - and maybe I just need to keep repeating and showing it that there's more to us than just being "smart".
I am not sure yet how I can show this part that we're not just deceiving people through our kindness. That, yes, sometimes we are NOT kind, not sweet, not patient, or any of that, but that doesn't make us inherently bad, it makes us HUMAN.
But right now the panic is so intense I can barely think at all. I am going to need the help of my therapist with this. Because I would really like to re-frame what it means for us to be lovable. We don't NEED to be the smartest, quickest thinker to be lovable and loved.
But it's not just about not being loved, it's also about our future. The belief is: if we aren't "brilliant" we're not worthwhile, and also: we'll never get out of this life that we've been living. We'll never get a job if we can't prove we're super smart. We'll never be able to KEEP a job. We'll never find a way out of this loneliness and the isolation. We'll never think our way out of this.
And there I am always reminded of what we thought later in life, or maybe even as a child: If we can out-think the abusers then we'll be safe. If we're only smarter, quicker on our mental feet, then we won't be abused and we'll be able to be safe.
And that makes me very, very sad indeed. And it's become such a CORE BELIEF. If we are smarter than others, they won't be able to abuse us. And if we're not, we'll be manipulated and lied to and abused in all kinds of ways and it would be our fault because we didn't pay attention and we didn't think quickly and "well" enough.
Ouch.
That this core belief is only about US goes without saying because these core beliefs never hold up to the real world but "we're the exception" is what our brains always tell us about these core beliefs, right? I am sure many of you out there know what I am talking about. "WE/I are/am bad because of xyz but if this happened to anyone else it wouldn't be THEIR fault. But it sure is OURS/MINE".
I have been going over this for days, and every morning I wake up with the dread that maybe I am not smart - or AS smart as I need to be. I am talking in circles at this point. But maybe the therapist will be able to help on Wednesday ...
So right now, I just hold my little candle against all this emotional darkness and hope that this candle shines bright enough and will lead the way to a beautiful sunrise one of these days.
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