"I feel as if I have been piling things into my arms for the last twenty years, holding it all, managing it all, doing it all, being it all and suddenly I am looking at the pile, realizing how much of it doesn't belong to me, and hungering to let it drop, to lay it all down, to walk away. I have learned that when people see you carrying a lot and not dropping anything, that they often think, "I guess she can hold this for me." When they see you saying yes, they decide to also ask you for things. When they see you doing something, they think, "She can do something for metoo." And, eventually, the load becomes unbearable and you are driven into the ground by a
weight that you have opened your arms to accept." ~ Molly Remer, Walking with Persephone
I'm not sure that ANGER is the correct emotion, however a menopausal woman may come across. The emotions are a combination of FRUSTRATION, IRRITATION, EXHAUSTION, RESENTMENT, and DISBELIEF.
EXHAUSTION - for the most part, in many traditional and non-traditional families, the woman/wife/mother not only works, but also has the responsibilities of managing the children's schedules (daycare, school, sports), the household duties (cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping), appointments (doctor, dentist, orthodontist), and various other sundry items. When researchers did a mock job interview with applicants and went over the details of being on-call 24/7/365, and encompassing all the jobs that most women do for their families at no compensation . . .every single applicant was astounded, stating that it was unreasonable.
IRRITATION - how often does the other half come home and do a token load of laundry, carry the dirty plates to the sink for the woman to wash, or take the trash out and expect an "Atta boy! Good job!" A large percentage of marital spats are over such things as the man wanting to be rewarded for doing a small thing while the woman slaves away with very little recognition or appreciation because it's "her job." How often does the man go to bed and call out to the woman asking when she's coming to bed because he wants a little action, while she's still picking up the household, making lunches, signing school papers, or folding the laundry that he started, etc.
FRUSTRATION & RESENTMENT - Being expected to have time to exercise, eat right, look sexy and have the energy to be a femme fatale. Yes, I'll get right on that when I'm done mopping the spilled milk from the cup that was left on a table in the living room while you relax in bed awaiting my glorious appearance in a sexy negligee. Because mopping is such phenomenal foreplay. And while you're at it, maybe instead of hopping in bed directly, the man could take time to freshen up a bit - shower, brush the day's gunk off your teeth, a little mouthwash, a splash of cologne, get the sweat off your man bits - at least show some effort. The best marriage advice I heard was that "Men are like microwaves, women are like crockpots." Men are ready to roll in an instant, visual creatures that they are. Women need time to warm up to intimacy, especially in menopause, use of lubricants is almost a must. I had a patient tell me that her husband gets frustrated with her, tries to speed things up, ends up hurting her and when she tries to tell him, he acts disgusted with her. Seriously? Education is the key - if you care about your wife/girlfriend/significant other - educate yourself about menopause and what to expect. Don't be stupid.
DISBELIEF - that after years of taking care of everyone and everything else, NOW, when she has a moment to herself to relax, or pursue her passion or her dream job - she's selfish. The hormonal changes that come with menopause tend to make her feel less sexy. Weight gain, decreased libido, muscle aches, thinning skin - she's no longer the model thin young thing her man fell in love with, especially after having children, but neither is she supposed to have anything else to do than be a porn star at home because the children have left the nest. Men are having a midlife crisis, yet refuse to acknowledge that they don't look the same either - weight gain, hair loss, prostate issues, erectile dysfunction. He doesn't want to talk about his issues, and when she tries to share information about her issues so he's more informed, the response is, "I don't know anything about that." If you read the damn article she's sent or engaged in conversation and tried to understand, things might be better all the way around.
I suppose when you wrap all of those emotions into one big ball it would equate to ANGER. It's as if menopausal women have put their lives on hold to meet the needs of everyone around them and then . . . when their children are fully functional on their own, the man becomes infantile. The topic of "grey divorce" came up the other day - the phenomena where older couples are divorcing when the children leave the nest. I can understand why from a woman's perspective. Marriage is not a partnership if both parties aren't willing to work together.
There may be men reading this who will naysay the thoughts and opinions expressed and come to the conclusion that this post is Man-Bashing. Far from it, it's an opportunity for men to hear how women feel, from a woman. Andy Rooney understood . . . as evidenced by this quote below:
"As I grow in age, I value women who are over forty most of all. Here are just a few reasons why: A woman over forty will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over forty doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.
A woman over forty knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of forty give a hoot what you might think about her or what she's doing.
Women over forty are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
A woman over forty has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over forty couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over forty. They always know.
A woman over forty looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over forty is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over forty for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of forty-plus, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some twenty-two-year-old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize.
For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free," here's an update for you. Now 80 percent of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage."
― Andy Rooney
