Still shaken up from the events that afternoon, I knocked on Yoongi's door at nine pm. It was Jiminie who opened, still clad in the outfit Taehyung got him. "Mr Hobi?"
"Jiminie, I would need to speak to Yoongi, please. Can I come in?"
"No."
The smile slipped off my face. "No?"
Jiminie shook his head, then attempted to close the door.
"Jiminie?" I begged. "It's really important."
My colleague crossed his arms. "Yoongi is sleeping."
Darn, still on nightshifts? "But he must be waking up soon?"
Instead of an answer, Jiminie smacked the door in my face.
I knocked again. "Jiminie? Hey? Are you okay?"
"Yes. I'm the okayestest."
"Did you eat dinner?"
"I take my plate from the bottom shelf in the fridge and put it in the microwave, then press the big button one-two-three-four times. When it dings, my dinner is ready and I watch Bon Voyage. The Chicken-noodle-dude is funny."
"Okay, very good." At least he hadn't forgotten to eat for the third day in a row. "E-enjoy your meal, okay. But let Yoongi know to give me a shout once he's woken up, okay? I really need to talk to him."
"Okay," came a muffled response, then the footsteps retreated.
I sighed but made my way upstairs. I couldn't help but feel a little concerned about Jiminie and feared he might not be quite as independent as Yoongi hoped.
"Jiminie?" I shouted from halfway up the first set of stairs. "Jiminie?"
"I need watching Bon Voyage now, Mr Hobi," Jiminie responded without opening the door.
"That's fine. Enjoy your dinner and the show. I only wanted to remind you not to forget your shower again, okay?"
"Okay, Mr Hobi. But I don't like showers. They're wet, you know. And I don't like wet. I'm not a fish."
"I know, but washing your body and hair is important, Jiminie. It doesn't need to be a long one."
"Okay, Mr Hobi," Jiminie said, "bye-bye now."
"Bye, Jiminie, have a good night." I responded and continued my way upstairs, where I sat down on my couch and stared at the blank wall. I didn't dare switch on my lights or my TV, in case someone was watching me. Heck, that this was going to be my cheapest electric bill ever.
I opened FaceTime on my phone but didn't turn on the video, having told Becky that my screen was broken. Not only did this allow me to keep my screen dark, but it also prevented her from seeing my face, which had taken on more vibrant colours during the healing process. I looked like a whole fucking carnival parade.
I hoped it would be her, answering the phone today, and not her brother. She had yet to answer my question from the other night.
After eight long rings, the call finally connected and I hold my breath for a moment.
"Hey Hobi."
Relief washed through me. "Hey, Becky…how are you?"
"I'm good. I just got up and am preparing breakfast. I think I'll be having Crunchy Nut on Toast. Or fried eggs. Although I have craving for Nutella. How about you? How was work today? You must be busy this time of the year."
I held my breath. My nerves couldn't deal with small-talk right now. "You didn't answer my question the other night."
An intense silence stretched over several seconds. "Which question?"
"You know which question I mean."
There was a sigh on the other end of the line. "It's weird to discuss via telephone. Are you really sure you can't you switch on your camera?"
"I told you. It's broken."
"Why do I have the feeling you're lying to me?"
Because I am. "I would never do that."
Becky seemed to take a deep breath, then there was some shuffling. "I need a, extra strong coffee for this."
"Are you sure you should be drinking in your condition?"
"Why do you want me to answer you so badly when you already made up your mind?"
"So…You're…not?" It was strange. I kinda almost felt a little bit slightly disappointed. Had I wanted her to be pregnant?
Faintly, I could hear some liquid being poured then Becky shuffled back. "I'm here."
"Okay, so…?"
"I've been back in Germany for about seven months now…"
"I know" I hadn't realised it was such a long time already. Time had been doing funny things to me this and last year. Every single memory felt like it happened four days or four years ago simultaneously.
"So, when I went back, I was none the wiser. Heck, I hadn't even been late yet."
"Late?"
"My period, you dodo-head. My period had not been late yet. I had no clue. I only found out about it about six weeks later."
My head spun. Becky was pregnant. There was a baby on the way. My baby.
"You remember the first two months I was here? When we still hoped that I would be back on a plane a few weeks in?"
I nodded. When we had said goodbye at the airport, it had been in the naive assumption that it was a goodbye for twelve weeks maximum.
"Hobi?"
Oh yeah, right….phone call…Becky hadn't seen me nodding. "Yeah, I remember. I told you that I was looking forward to seeing you in autumn."
"I thought I would surprise you with the news then." Becky sounded pissed off. As if it was my fault that the pandemic lasted longer than originally anticipated.
"Fair enough. But like you said, it's been seven months. Surely you realised that telling in person would not work out as planned."
"I did realise. But you went awol in November, and wasn't sure about our relationship anymore."
November,…I had kissed Sookie…and successfully dodged video calls for a month…shit. "I'm an idiot."
"You are. But so am I for not having brought it up. I didn't know how you would react. We never talked about starting a family, not even how serious this relationship was going to be. Then, there is this whole spiel about where should the baby grow up. I mean, I really want to come back home, but your borders are still tighter than a high-security prison."
"Germany is very nice, from what I've heard. Very child friendly. In fact, I've heard it's much more child friendly than over here. You got maternity leave, don't you? It's much better there! I think this would be the perfect place for the babe. Plus, grandparents are at hand and there to help."
"I would need a job to benefit from maternity leave."
You had one before you started rioting, I wanted to say but instead swallowed the words. I wanted Becky back. But more so, I wanted her to be safe. I wanted the baby to be safe. And neither would be, living with me. I bit my lips hard as I realised the god awful truth. My unborn baby was safer being dragged to all kinds of crazy protests at the other end of the world than here with me. And it hurt. It fucking hurt, but there was not a single thing I could do about it.
That's not true… the voice inside my head supplied. You can do what those guys asked of you, and…
I shook my head in a hopeless attempt to throw this idea out of my mind. I couldn't…wouldn't do that…Things may be a little rough at the moment, but I wasn't ready to turn criminal myself. One day… I would find a proper way to pay off my debt.
I had wanted to get some shut-eye before I needed to return to my shop for four o'clock but I didn't find any rest. Now, it wasn't only Ugh! baseball hats that took permanent residence in my nightmares. It were also dancing babies and suitcases filled with money—and blood, for some reason.
I squinted at the window and got a heart attack when I noted some movement outside. At closer inspection, it was just a group of neighbours having a street party with a bottle of soju and chicken wings. I sighed. There was a time when I called Yoongi for nighttime drinking adventures at the playground when we lived in our old hood, but we hadn't done this once since our friendship re-kindled. I didn't even remember when I saw him last.
When it turned three o'clock, I put on my trainers, ready to go to the shop. Or rather, I told myself I was ready to go to the shop. I felt the air getting harder to breathe the moment I left my flat. And by the time I was downstairs, there was hardly any oxygen left.
I stood in the hallway, hand on the door, for several moments, trying to build the courage to open the bloody thing. Did I really need the new delivery this desperately? What if they hadn't remembered sending a new driver?
And what if the old one was lingering outside, waiting for me? After all, he knew my schedule.
My decision was made for me when the door got opened from the outside, and one of the neighbours walked in, bottle still in hand and singing loudly. Did he really need to draw so much attention? I wanted to tell him to shut up, but my mouth wouldn't comply.
Now or never, I told myself then rushed outside, the cold air hitting me like a brick. I shuffled forwards, constantly fighting the urge to look over my shoulder. I was shaking. There was sweat dripping down my back despite the cold.
I thought I could hear the faint sound of a muffled engine—if one could muffle those? Maybe it was just a really new and really expensive car? But who would drive such a thing in this neighbourhood?
Idiot! Most of the people here work for BigHit Motors. They mightn't be rich but ,like Yoongi, got a good discount on a vehicle. And it was true. For a neighbourhood like this, there were a lot of new and sleek cars parked up and down the street.
I fought the urge to turn around and look for said vehicle though. The sound remained in the distance as if—someone followed me at a walking pace.
I was still at my end of the road. It would take me another ten or fifteen minutes to reach my shop. Maybe I should just turn around and go back home. I could phone the head office tomorrow, make up some sort of family emergency as an excuse why I hadn't been there...
With every step, the thought of turning around became more appealing. I really wished I had a gun. Not to shoot anyone, simply to feel a little safer when I needed to walk here in the middle of the night.
I sharpened my ears. Had the car come closer? My heart sped up like a techno beat. Maybe I should just give in. Just let them do whatever. Get all of this behind me… Fuck, where had those thoughts come from! I no longer only had myself to consider. There was a baby on the way! I was going to be a daddy in about two months. Even if Becky and the child remained in Germany, I had a responsibility. And I would need to do my best to be there for them.
Another step forward. Lost in my thoughts, I hadn't noticed the icy puddle on the ground, and before I knew it I smacked down hard on my tailbone. For a moment, there was nothing but crazy, spinning, and painful stars.
Tears sprang to my eyes. Not because of the pain, but simply because of everything. Every tiny shitty little thing in my life felt too overwhelming. It was freezing cold and my jeans were already soaking through, but I simply didn't have the energy to get up. More tears fell. What the heck was wrong with me? That wasn't normal behaviour. Stop it Hobi! You need to function!
My body had other ideas. I was jerking and rocking and crying as if I was a person possessed. Where was my switch-off button? I needed a system reboot. Something was utterly wrong with me.
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