It takes discipline to write, to draw, to rest. It takes even more discipline to do this as a mum. It is very easy to get sweeped up into the never-ending to-do list. There are always things to do, always. Groceries to order, washing to be done, things to organise for the week ahead, other people's needs demanding attention.
"So, let us push on now, and remember ourselves back to the wild soul. Let us sing her flesh back onto our bones."
Clarissa Pinkola Estes
Starting work again I have felt the desire to have time alone. I lie on the couch while my baby naps and a part of me dreads when he will wake up. It feels like no amount of time or sleep will energise me. The exhaustion is much deeper than feeling tired. It is the kind of exhaustion that starts to call for an escape, and that scares me. At first it starts as a desire to just be by myself, to sleep, to go to a hotel for a night. But I know if I keep ignoring it, the escape will go to more extremes. I don't want that, I don't want to go there.
This weekend I had pretty much all of Saturday to myself. I slept for a long time. And then I got up and organised the house - I wish I did this last but in tidying the house and organising things it helps me feel more relaxed. I find it really diffilcult to relax or sit down and create if there is a lot of mess everywhere, or even a huge amount of chores that have built up for me to do. I can let some things go, but when there's too much stuff on the list it adds to my overwhelm and anxiety. It doesn't need to be perfect, but it needs to feel in a more manageable state.
After that, then I give my self permission to do the things I love - write, paint, watch Netflix, read, do yoga or dance.
There is something wrong about this though. I know it, I feel it deep within me. It doesn't make sense that I would put the things I love last, and put the house and family needs first.
Yet, of course it does.
I'm not meant to do that. The ideal mother wouldn't do that.
What is the ideal mother? The media, social media, Google and parenting advice would have you believe that it is someone who has had a natural birth, breast-feeds, doesn't sleep train, stays at home with her children at least in the first three-five years, works part part part time, is never angry or annoyed with her children, has loads of energy, is extremely patient, knows exactly what to do in any situation, cooks meals from scratch, and puts her children first. When she gives birth, everything she has done and been is left at the door - she is now mother.
I'm not the ideal mother and I don't want to be her. I have hopes and dreams for myself, I love having time to myself, spending time with my husband alone and seeing friends. I love my baby and I am so incredibly grateful for him, but I also know that in order for me to love him I need to put myself first. I feel guilty saying that. Yet, in any other relationship - we would see it as completely unhealthy to put the other person's needs before our own. Why then with motherhood? And why is it not the same with fatherhood?
We can't shake the mum guilt individually. We need to shake it collectively. We need to shake it collectively because it is our culture that has made us believe that we are to feel guilty, that we are not enough. It may have crept its way into our psyche but it is from 'out there' that we have been fed the lie.
Individually we can try to push against the guilt, but if we all came together we would show it for what it is. A lie. A massive lie.
The strongest people I know are mothers. They are women who have been through loss yet continued with life, had painful and scary births, woken up every 30 or so minutes during the night to feed their new baby, carried their baby and toddler in their arms, got no sleep while they cared for a sick child, kept going and going even though they were tired or sick themselves.
We are not perfect no - but what kind of message would we give our children if we were?
We are strong. We are creators, teachers, mentors, nurses, body-language experts and mind-readers.
We are enough. Actually, more than enough.
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instead of spending time in hating each other.
