Reminders to myself, especially in case my boyfriend doesn't get to stay in the country:
- people are still the same as before. They didn't become better or worse overnight even though my head will try to tell me that everybody's out to destroy everybody else's happiness and that people are selfish and don't care about others. This is not true.
- i will feel intense pain and unhappiness. This will pass in time. The rage, the grief, all of it won't be there forever. I will feel happiness again.
- i am not alone in the world. I have friends and family. Reach out to them. Tell them what they can do to support you. Be specific, they might need help in helping you.
- Don't lock the pain away. If i do so, it'll just fester inside and the wounds won't heal, making me paranoid and cold. The only way out is through.
- I will feel very isolated. There will be feelings of love and community again. I will feel part of something again.
- Hang on to your dogs, the most loyal and loving and most importantly: uncomplicated beings in your life. Treat them with love and with patience, even if and especially when you feel like giving up.
- Breathe. Keep breathing and coming back to the present moment. Remember as above: everything, even this pain, is temporary.
- Write. Write it all out in journals, in terrible poetry, in stories. Use your pain on the page and transform it into words. It'll help relieve some of the pressure. Nobody has to ever read it unless you want them to.
- Go for walks and use your body. It'll help you focus on the now and clear your head.
- Clean when you have the energy. Having an uncluttered apartment will help you keep the chaos inside at bay.
- Talk to your headmates!!! They are inside of you. They are parts of you. Lean on them for strength. Lean on them for advice. You all have been through terrible pain again and again. All of you together make you a survivor. Don't lock anyone out. Help the younger ones understand.
- Be kind. To yourself especially but also to others. Being hard, cold and angry will make you and everyone else unhappy. There's no connection in it, just more pain. You need connection.
- Keep up your routines as much as possible. They help you structure your days and will help you structure your mind. Routines make you feel safe.
- Take your meds. Get in touch with your psychiatrist and therapist if you feel you can't go on or you don't know how to get through something. They're there to help you. They might have tools you don't know anything about yet.
- Stay open minded and open hearted. Please don't shut everyone out. Reach out to people around you. Be vulnerable. Not everybody will know what to do or say, but there will be those who do. Cherish every connection and be grateful. They are rare and beautiful.
- Eat. Try to read a veggie and some fruit every now and then. The food will help you gather your strength and it'll help you think.
Keep breathing. We will get through this. Keep breathing and breathing...
We went on Islamabad tour at 5 PM and returned back home at 3 AM. Today and tommorow is a lockdown so everyone is sleeping but I'm not even surprised. Yesterdays trip around Islamabad was quite adventurous. First we went to o" 
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. So selfie with parrots was it 
. I did not do any shopping although Ahad was inclined to buy the whole toystore for my boys. There were dinosaurs and cars. Everything that belongs to Austin and Aarons world. In the end we ended the tour at Giga mall by buying a chickenbucket at KFC. And let me tell you. This shit here is so salty 
. But on the other side I feel so greatful. My new family treats me so well. Even when they are extremely tired. 
... but it was all in vain. But a very enriching experience for me because no.1 I know my Ahad and Swedish are opposites and no.2 I had opportunity to a good laugh 
. But jokes aside, what I learned is that the offices in Pakistan look like big villa houses. I would not mind to work in an office that feels like home 
. 
... A mini Eiffel Tower 
. I was actually overly excited about this one. It's a pity only we went at night. It would be such a joy to climb up although I'm scared of hights. I heard the view at the city from there is breathtaking.
