There's this part, this headmate, who showed up in therapy today that is trapped in a bubble. I say trapped because they want out but they also don't want out. They're sitting there in their bubble with their memories in their hands and nothing else. Nothing can penetrate the bubble and they can't get out. Just them sitting in the woods surrounded by that invisible, impenetrable bubble, alone and increasingly despairing.
When the therapist reflected back what she was getting from this headmate, the aloneness and the unwillingness to connect, the headmate felt a stab of desperation and frustration. And then suicidal thoughts surged through the system. Which they were honest about.
But somehow this elicited more tough honesty from the therapist instead of gentle kindness. Which made it worse and made most of us feel like something's honestly wrong with either the therapist or with our relationship ... I mean, sure, we appreciate the honesty and we don't want her to coddle us unnecessarily ... but a headmate had just expressed deep pain and somehow ... I don't know. I have to stop here because I honestly don't remember EXACTLY what she said, though I was there for it partially. But it just felt ... unkind.
I know this headmate is hard to reach. This headmate also felt that the way the therapist acted towards her cemented her in her ways of not reaching out ever, and not finding kindness anywhere. BUT. There is a LOT of kindness in our life now. So many people who are just so lovely to us. But I don't think this headmate feels any of that. They feel so isolated in their bubble ... when the therapist tried to talk to them about the boyfriend, I remember feeling as if the boyfriend were only a shadow. He didn't "manifest" as a real person in our thoughts when this headmate was in control. When they tried to describe the boyfriend no words came because they honestly didn't know what he is like.
I'm a little worried about our relationship with the therapist. This is like the fourth or fifth session in a row - maybe even more? - where we feel her words were not helpful and her interventions even harmful in some instances. I don't know what to do about this except talk to her about it, again and again. We haven't reached the point of, "This is going nowhere fast" just yet. We are still in the working-it-through phase. But if we can't reconnect soon, it may be time to look for a new therapist at some point ... Which will be hell. There aren't that many therapists out there like her, and it will be hard to find someone who believes in DID and knows how to work with someone who has DID ... But let's not go there yet. There's still lots of opportunities to find each other again.
Meanwhile I shall try to breathe through the pain and I also want to try and find out what it is this headmate needs from us now. Maybe they want to go to sleep... I don't know if that's such a good idea though... Or maybe they'd like to try and meet the boyfriend and our lovely friends. Or maybe they just want some alone time in the apartment to think or write or make art or something ... We'll have to find out. I don't want to just leave them alone like this. They're obviously in a LOT of pain and it seems only we can soothe it now. At least I HOPE we can soothe it.
Lots to think about ...
WordPress.com
No comments:
Post a Comment