by PetitPau

Okay, Yoongs, keep calm. No reason at all to be nervous. FUCKING GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER MAN. THAT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME YOU'RE TALKING TO A BLOODY GIRL!!!!

My palms were sweaty, and my forehead got more feverish by the second. Nurse Kang… Sookie was saying something to me, completely clueless about my inner turmoil. It must have been a funny story, as she was gesturing animatedly, and I noticed that she had not one, but two dimples on her right cheek. It was so adorable, but  I hadn't heard a word of what she was saying. 

Just grin and nod, Yoongs, grin and nod. You got this. 

When I looked back up again, she had stopped talking and was looking at me expectantly. Apparently, I had been asked a question. Shit. I scratched the back of my head, then my ear. "Yes," blurted confidently, "yes, yes."

"Oh," Sookie responded, looking—disappointed?  

"Um… erm…" but gosh, those dimples were distracting. "Actually, I meant no." I corrected myself. 

Her brows furrowed.

"I'm messing this up, aren't I?"

"Not at all, Yoongi. It's completely normal to feel distraught after what you and your brother have been through. It cannot be easy, but you're doing great with Jimin. I can tell. He's so much more alive already." 

We both looked toward my brother, who was sitting on the bed, and watching another episode of his favourite TV show. "I wanna play pong-pong," he proclaimed that very moment, and holy moly, was I glad for the distraction! 

"Ping-pong," I corrected. "What brought that on?"

Jimin pointed at the screen where the In the Soop-crew was just doing that… what was the purpose of watching a show about seven utter crackpots hanging around a house and doing the most mundane stuff? 

"Jimin used to play ping-pong at MOTS house. Didn't you?" Sookie gave my brother a fond smile before turning back to me. "He was doing great."

"I was bestestest!" Jimin nodded proudly and started coughing. His voice was still hoarse from all the vomiting, but his sickness seemed to have subsided thanks to some useful Kang home remedies. 

"That's great," I said and tried to picture it. Whenever I thought of Jimin at MOTS house, I saw a lonely figure sitting on a twin-sized bed staring at the two whales painted onto one of the walls. 

Sookie waited until Jimin was fully engulfed in his programme again, then added. "Jiminie was doing very well, Yoongi. He has the potential to learn a lot and regain some of his independence back. But he was getting very, very depressed, and that diminished all efforts." There was another fond gaze at my brother. "Jimin is very hypersensitive, and needs a happy and comfortable environment to thrive. Just imagine him like the flame of a candle. It can be a tiny, fickle thing, but if cared for and nurtured, it has the potential to set the night alight."

I looked at my brother. Really looked at him. Despite being gaunt and ashen from this night's ordeal, there was some sort of glow about him. Like, Sookie was right, and Jimin needed to have those close connections in his life more than anything. It was… "strange…"

"How so?" Sookie asked. 

I shrugged. "Jimin, he…" I trailed off, glancing toward my brother. It felt kinda odd talking about him like this, when he was sitting less than two metres away from us. But while I could hardly invite Sookie for a drink at the bar down the road, there was something else I could do. 

"Do you smoke?" I asked, figuring I could excuse five minutes to ourselves. 

Sookie shook her head, turning aghast. "I'm a nurse," she proclaimed, as if this would explain anything. 

I shrugged. "I've seen drunk doctors." It wasn't quite true. But I heard of them. In the news. Or on twitter, at least. I'm sure they were out there. 

"I want!" Jimin piped up instead. 

I was an idiot. I wanted to bang my head on the kitchen table and not stop until I passed out. "I forgot. I don't have any cigarettes right now," I quickly added. 

Jimin nodded. "Bangtan Bar?"

"You seriously want to have chocolate? After you puked your guts out all night?" 

Jimin scratched his nose, his eyes widening. "But hyungie," he said in a slightly condescending tone. "I pukeded sticky yellow stuff, not Bangtan Bars."

"That doesn't mean you should be eating plenty of chocolate now."

We both looked at Sookie expectantly, each hoping for a different kind of advice. 

"Well," Sookie started, then brushed a few strands of hair behind her ear and… was she blushing? "It would be best to use the feeding tube for today at least, until the stomach is settled. Tomorrow, you can try to eat easy foods again."

"Bangtan Bars?" Jimin asked.

"I'm afraid not, Jiminie," Sookie said. Turning to me, she added, "it would be best if you follow the BRAT diet."

The what? "But the brat wants chocolate."

Sookie sighed. Apparently my joke had fallen flat. "The BRAT diet: Bananas, Rice, Applesauce and Toast. These are all easy-on-the-stomach foods that are recommended after food poisoning."

"That's what your mum said, too." 

Sookie giggled. "It's so odd to think of my mum as your employee, and that you're her boss."

"I'm not anyone's boss," I protested. "I'm a meagre supervisor. And only for the next four weeks."

"You're leaving?" 

Shit! I hadn't told any of my colleagues yet. "Would you mind…keeping this for yourself for the time being? I have yet to make it official."

Sookie bit her lip, but nodded. "So what you're gonna do?"

"Dunno yet."

"You… don't know?" Did everyone but me go to some sort of class where the perfect condescending-eyebrow-lift technique was taught?

I shoved my lower lip back between my teeth. There was something very soothing about chewing this particular lump of meat. Leaving a job without a plan B was ridiculously stupid, especially in the current climate. Yet, no way I would have lasted any longer working for that clown of a big boss. 

"So, Bangtan Bar now?" Jimin interrupted. 

"I'm afraid no chocolate for you, buddy. Not until your stomach is better. You don't wanna throw up again, do you?"

"I don't throw up Bangtan Bar. Promise."

Those big, puppy eyes… It was hard not to give in. I glanced to Sookie, but her expression and quirked lip told me, "that's on you my friend. I'm off duty."

"If you don't throw up for the next twenty-four hours, you can have a tiny bit of chocolate, okay?"

Jimin contemplated then nodded. "Okay."

Okay? I closed my eyes, counting to ten and waiting for the second half of that sentence. 

There was a brief pause. 

"Twenty-four hours over now?"

I wasn't sure whether I should laugh or cry. 

"No, Jimin. You have to wait a whole day. But what you can do, is watching another two episodes of In the Soop. How does that sound?"

"Soooop, Soooop, Soooop," Jimin started to sing, and I took it as a yes. 

"He complained less than I thought," I told Sookie. 

"I think he feels that is better for his stomach. I sometimes actually wonder whether Jimin really likes chocolate all that much, or whether this is simply a habit, a tic so to speak. Was he quite keen on chocolate… you know, before?"

"Well…" looked at my brother's skinny frame. "He had always been on one diet or another, never quite content with himself. I guess he had a sweet tooth as a kid, but as an adult I never saw him eating anything but Quinoa and salads."

"So maybe now, he is seeing chocolate as a reward. It's not about the actual taste or the enjoyment, but about being entitled to a chocolate bar."

"Nah, he loves chocolate. And he's very peculiar, too. It needs to be a certain brand and a certain flavour. I think if it were for rewarding purposes, he wouldn't care about that."

Sookie shrugged. "I'm not a psychologist, but that's a theory they had at MOTS house."

"Would have been nice of them to share any of those theories with me," I grumbled.

"I thought Ms Eli sent you an email."

"She did, and there is a lot of great and useful stuff, but nothing about any theories. Maybe because that was only speculation on her part?"

"Oh, it wasn't Ms Eli speculating this. That was psychologist Choi. As far as I know all of her findings were released to the group and family."

"Family, I see," I grumbled. I think I knew exactly where those documents went. 

"Anything wrong?" Sookie asked, and I shook my head. 

"So, um…" I scratched my head. "Did you have dinner yet?" 

"Umm," Sookie glanced to the floor, and I noticed that endearing blush again. Out of her MOTS house scrubs, she looked extra cute in shorts and t-shirt. And she wore Air Jordans. Vintage ones. The girl had style!

"I guess I'm hungry, but I kinda feel bad eating in front of Jimin," she whispered. 

Darn. I hadn't even considered that. I was an idiot. I hope Sookie didn't think of me as a selfish prick, although that was exactly what I was. 

"But maybe…" Sookie stated, then trailed off. 

"Maybe what?"

"Maybe we could have a coffee together?"

Coffee was good. I loved coffee. I loved coffee very much. I would have all the coffees Sookie wanted. "Sure, of course! Let's make some coffee." I rushed to my coffee maker and set water to boil. "How do you take yours?"

"Extra strong and extra ice."

Just like me. I already liked her even better. "Ice cubes, I got plenty," I told her proudly. Sookie seemed to find that hilarious, and I wasn't sure if she laughed at me or found me endearing. I was never great at reading girls. That's why I usually avoided them. 

There was a nostalgic smile playing around my lips. Complicated. I found girls complicated, and all my life I had always been running away from complications. 

…And then the biggest chaos known to mankind crushed into my life. I glanced fondly at my brother. Despite the quite impressive collection of grey hairs on my head, I wouldn't want to live without him. I couldn't! 

I was ready for his chaos. I was ready for complications and I could handle it all. Well, not quite all. But definitely much better than the old Yoongi from last year.  It felt as if I had been a much, much younger person back then. 

"What has you staring into the distance?" Sookie smiled. 

"Nothing," it was my turn to blush. "I was just thinking how Jimin's accident and everything that happened since has turned my life upside down. And I think I actually like it."

"Lord of the chaos," Sookie laughed. 

I mock-bowed, "that's me!"

*

"So, how did the evening end?" Shop-dude asked when I met him for drinks the following evening. We had met at our usual playground with some store-bought beers and takeaway chicken wings. 

"Well," I grinned. "I think it went rather well. I'm going to see her again, soon."

"Ohoo…" Shop-dude exclaimed. "Oh lala! And… Did you kiss?"

My grin got wider. "Perhaps… a little… and perhaps, I kinda liked it."

Shop-dude's grin stretched to the moon and back. "Whoohooo! If my knee was any better I'd get up and do a little happy dance! Instead, please close your eyes and just imagine it for five seconds! This sounds great, man. I'm so happy for you." 

But the so-called happiness hadn't reached his eyes. 

"What's the matter?"

"The vet my Becky used to work at is back at full operations." 

"But that's great. They're going to need her back soon, then."

Shop-dude shook his head. "That's the thing. Boarders are closed. My Becky cannot travel. They are currently advertising her job." Shop-dude looked devastated.

"That must suck. I'm so sorry for the two of you. I hope restrictions will be lifted, soon."

Shop-dude shook his head. "That's only a teensy party of the issue. The bigger problem is that her visa was tied to the job. Now, without it, it will be much harder for her to return to the country."

"Shit. And is there no alternative option?"

"There is." Shop-dude sounded uncertain all of a sudden.

"Come one then. Spit it out."

But instead of using his words, Shop-dude withdrew a tiny, velvety box from his pocket. 

"I thought you had already proposed?"

"I hadn't. Thanks to the pandemic, things got so complicated so quickly, and there just wasn't any right moment. Of course, if I asked her now, this could accelerate her being able to return to Korea."

"So where is the issue then?"

Shop-dude shrugged. "It probably sounds silly, but I feel that if I ask her now, she would think I'm only asking because of the current situation, not because this is something I had been planning for half a year." His lips morphed into an upside-down triangle. "I…just wanna do it the right way, not the rushed way. But at the same time, I just miss her so much. I want her back, Yoongs. I feel like I'm living with a black hole in my heart."

I contemplated his  words, had another gulp of beer. So far, I hadn't touched the fried chicken, although it looked delicious. But Jimin was still on fifty percent feeding tube and fifty percent BRAT diet, and it felt bad eating scrumptious food meanwhile. But now, I had lost my appetite altogether. I would miss Shop-dude immensely, but nevertheless, I had to ask. "Didn't you say you speak German almost fluently? Why don't you… I don't know… move there?" Please have good reason to say no. STOP BEING SELFISH, YOONGS! 

Shop-dude paled at the suggestion and shook his head. "No, no, no, that's not possible. I mean… I can't just leave my shop unattended for a lengthy period. I have a loan to pay off, you know."

"I know, but perhaps you cold lease the shop. Or even sell it. Maybe you can open a Korean supermarket in Germany? I mean… that would be a nice change to their usual diet of sauerkraut and sausages."

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