I've spent twelve hours in a 3ft by 3ft box all day today. I've spent 14 hours in my head.

I'm not having a good BPD week. Nobody understands me. Nobody understands BPD. My mom is in denial I have it all. Everyone just brushes me off as being overly emotional or grumpy. It's so loud in my head.

I have nobody. I have nobody I can talk to about anything. I try but they just don't understand or they shut me out, brush me off and chalk it up to nothing. I feel like nothing. I feel like nobody. I just want to be normal. I can't ever talk to anyone. Not friends (I've not reallygot any). Not family. Nobody listens. People try to offer "solutions" but nothing plausible. I can't afford therapy nor do I have the time and I wouldn't trust a therapist anyways. I've not had the best experience with them.

I work so hard for so little...I have little time left over to even breathe. I don't know what to do anymore. I've got so many job application rejections. I've got a surgery bill that I can't afford to pay that's going to ruin the credit I worked so hard to build. I have nothing to show for my efforts besides a daughter that constantly misses me, an empty bank account after bills, and crippling depression. I'm lost. I'd like to go back to school but I don't have the time or money, sure I could get grants but they won't stretch far enough.

I'm tired of being "tough" I'm tired of working so hard for nothing. I'm tired of being rejected by jobs and basically everyone. All people say is how negative I am and I know I am but I've been dealt nothing but shit since I was born. I'm tired of being strong. I'm working for a change that I feel like will never happen. I tried talking to my mom and she just says "I don't know why you're so angry, you're so grumpy" I know wouldn't you be angry? Wouldn't you be angry that everything you worked so hard for, just to get this little bit farther and it all just starts crumbling around you. Wouldn't you be angry if your child's father didn't pay his support and does nothing for his daughter but show up every other weekend. Wouldn't you be angry working 174 hours every two weeks just to come home to people who don't hear you.

Most of the time I just keep to myself. I always say the wrong things, I act out in ways people don't like, they think I'm negative, I have outbursts from keeping everything in. I try to find other outlets but I don't really have any, or even any time. I work from 530am to 7pm four days a week, then I work another job on the days I'm supposed to be off my fulltime job. I feel like I can't catch my breath but I can't stop what I'm doing because I need the money to survive. I feel like I've lost my daughter. I feel like nobody knows me.

I have to hide how I feel all the time because they just don't understand. I've been screaming in my head. It's so loud. It's so much. It's total chaos in my head. A million things bouncing around from to do lists, bills, back bills, the time I don't get with anna, the time I miss out on in my own life. I'm only 25 and I run myself like I'm 50. I'm the family maid. My brothers are required to do nothing. I'm grateful to have a house to live in and bed to sleep in. But I hate that I have to clean the whole house on certain days before my shifts because my mom can't do it all with her cancer and lupus. I'm running on empty. I feel full of nothing but sadness, disappointment, regret, anger and resentment. It's eating me alive. I practice my cognitive behavior techniques but honestly it's not enough anymore.

I just want to feel happy and free. This house is not my house, I can't do as I want. I have to do what everyone else wants so I can stay here. I feel like everything I do and say is wrong. It's just better to be quiet and keep my head down. Tonight I feel like exploding. I want to tell annas dad off, I want to scream at my family, my boss, just everyone. I'm not trying to place blame because I know a lot of my choices brought me here. But when you have nothing, you have nobody...it gets really lonely. Everything thought just tears me down lower and lower. I just to want to okay...I just want to be happy.

It just doesn't seem like it's in the cards for me anymore.

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