I had a nightmare last night, in which the city I used to live in was crumbling under my feet, disappearing into a huge sinkhole spanning several districts. I kept running, climbing ground and furniture and streets that were all falling apart about as fast as I was trying to clamber towards the light.

It was an odd dream. There were people all around me falling into the abyss as I was running towards freedom, away from the ruins and into sunshine. In my dream I thought about my mom, who was safe, and weirdly my mom's boss also made an appearance but I don't remember what happened.

What an intense dream. It says a lot about the state of my mind. But I made it. Even though I never made it back to my loved ones in the dream, I did get away from the pieces falling all around me. So I take this as a positive. That even though it seems everything around me is falling apart, I am going to get through it. At least, I am getting through it right this moment.

I have been up several hours and my boyfriend is still asleep. I have walked the dogs and have been trying to escape my thoughts. Yesterday I finished reading Warm Bodies and I truly loved it. Even though there were some mistakes in the logic of the book, which is usually something that bugs me a LOT, I loved it. It was exactly what I needed to read at this moment - filled with so much love and hope. The hope that the world can be changed if only we never stop living, loving and feeling everything bravely.

Some headmates keep scolding me for holding onto the "foolish hope" that the love between the boyfriend and us will change everything, will matter. Like the belief that we can make it through this, and that our love will survive whatever the outcome of the upcoming court ordeal, is foolish. But I have to believe it. Because if I don't, I will succumb to despair and the belief that the world is an ugly and terrifying place and that that is all it is. But I KNOW that that is not all it is.

I have random memories running through my mind, good ones. Of community and friendship. And they fill me with warmth. I believe we'll get through this - me and my headmates. And I believe our boyfriend, can, too. I hope he believes that as well.

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