"Are we going to the red house?"

"Nope."

"Mummy and daddy live in the red house," informed Jimin.

"Yes, I know. But we're not going to visit mum and dad."

"We see mummy and daddy another time?"

My stomach clenched. I doubted my parents would come and visit Jimin here. Heck, they had probably forgotten all about him heretofore.

I phoned them last week to let them know of my decision… that I had registered Jimin at a facility, and the only response I received was 'okay.' That was it. A fucking 'okay,' like, he wasn't even worth a whole sentence anymore. Before I could question them, dad had hung up. 

"We go shopping?" Jimin asked, but then shook his head. "I don't wanna go shopping. I don't like stupid man-angers."

Jimin had been much less enthusiastic about Bangtan Bars since the manager of a third store had asked us not to return. Although to be fair, Jimin had pointed at the man's double chin and accused him of haven eaten all Bangtan Bars himself.

"We're not going shopping," I reassured. Damn. Why was this so hard? 

Jimin nodded as if lost in thought. "We not go shopping because I'm a dummy." He mumbled. "Dummy, dummy, dummy."

I clenched my teeth, Stupid kids. I wanted to strangle them until their eyes popped. "Don't say that nasty word," I shouted. 

"Sorry," Jimin looked almost afraid of me. 

"You're not a dummy," I sighed. "I already told you. I don't want to hear you say that word ever again."

"But the kids in the park say…"

"I don't care what those idiots have said. You're not dumb, Jimin. Your brain…just functions a little differently. And there is nothing wrong with that. Okay?"

"Okay," Jimin responded in a meek voice, and I suspected he didn't fully grasp what I'd been trying to say. I sometimes wished my brother would be easier to read, or was more straightforward when he didn't understand a thing. 

"We go fishing?" Delight shone brightly in Jimin's eyes, but then he furrowed his brows in concern. "No, not going fishing today."

"Why not?" I asked curiously.

"Because it's raining. The poor little fishies might get wet."

It didn't seem right to laugh at his comment, but a small smile crept across my lips nevertheless. "Only you would worry about fish getting wet."

"They might catch a cold," Jimin whispered, then scratched his head. "Or maybe the Hobbit nineteen."

Hobbit? "Oh, you mean Covid 19? I don't think fish have to worry about that."

"That's what I said. Hobbit nineteen," Jimin nodded.

"We're not going to fish," I reassured my brother. Was now a good time to tell him? We were almost there, only another ten minutes, or so. But I didn't want to risk Jimin having a tantrum on the bus. 

"Where we going?"

"You'll see."

Jimin glanced out of the window, "going on vacation?"

I guess that was one way to put it. I didn't know how to answer him, so I remained quiet, hoping the questions would stop, and Jimin got distracted by something else. 

The uneasy feeling inside my stomach increased. 

Ours was the final stop. Only two other passengers got off the bus with us, and I looked at them wondering if they were relatives of a resident, or staff of MOTS house. 

Jimin took in every tree, every stone, and every nook of the place with widening eyes. "Is this a castle?" He finally asked, awestruck. "Does the Queen live here?"

"The Queen lives in England, last time I checked," I chuckled. "You are living here." 

Jimin was either very unimpressed or hadn't heard what I said. 

"Look, Yoongles, look!" He pointed to our right. 

"What's there?"

"Ducks! Look."

There was indeed a small pond to the side of the lush gardens. I must have completely overlooked this when I came here the first time. 

"Cool!" I agreed. "You can feed the ducks every morning."

"Really?" Jimin vibrated with excitement. I had discovered that very fast rocking, combined with high-pitched humming, meant my brother was in an excessively good mood. Although, it may look the opposite to the outside world: Jimin tended to whack himself in the temple occasionally. 

"Yes, really," I confirmed. "Now, let's go inside. Ms Eli is already super excited to meet you."

Uneasiness continued to rumble in my stomach. Somehow, I wasn't super excited. But it is for Jimin's best, I reassured myself.

Still wide-eyed, Jimin allowed himself to be dragged through the big entrance door, into the parlour, where Ms Eli was already waiting, a big smile on her face. 

"Hello, Yoongi," she greeted me. "And you must be Jimin. So lovely to meet you. Let's have a quick chat in my office, shall we?"

Ms Eli shook Jimin and me by the hand, and the knot in my stomach slowly diminished. Everything about Ms Eli was warm, comfortable, and reassuring. 

The office itself was a narrow little space, not much more than a broom cupboard with a desk crammed inside. Jimin gaped it with curious eyes. 

"Okay, so I'll only need the copy of Jimin's birth certificate for our records." Ms Eli ticked off a list, as I handed the relevant documents. 

"Any changes to his medication within the last week?"

"Everything is still the same."

"Did he have any more episodes?" 

I was about to shake my head, but then remembered 'episode' was care-worker-speak for 'tantrum'. "Almost daily," I sighed. "And for stupid reasons, too."

Ms Eli tsked. "Just because we don't always understand it doesn't mean the reason is stupid. People like your brother sometimes have a harder time finding the right words to express themselves."

"I know, I'm sorry." I bit my lip, a little ashamed of myself. This had come out totally wrong. "I meant…" I scratched my head. "I mean, I think, well, in hindsight, some of these could have been avoided."

"A lot of things could have been done better in hindsight," Ms Eli said. "But this doesn't help the here and now."

I wasn't sure whether this was meant as a reprimand or not. I nodded, nevertheless.

Jimin, who was finally done inspecting the room, stood next to me, taking me by the hand. He usually only did that when he was uncertain about something, so I gave it a reassuring squeeze. 

"You live here?" He asked Ms Eli.

"No, Jimin, I don't." Ms Eli smiled, "but you will live here."

Jimin's eyes grew to the size of saucers. "I live here?" He looked at me, mouth hanging open. 

"Yes," I stammered. "You live here now. You will have your own, huge room with your own big bed, and when you look out of your window you have a beautiful sight of the mountains."

Jimin nodded, but I could see the puzzlement in his eyes. 

"You live here now?" He asked me. 

I shook my head. "No, Jimin. I still live at the studio."

Jimin was quiet for a moment. "Green convenience store lights in the window."

"Yes, that's the place," I reconfirmed. 

"I?"

"You live here now, at MOTS house."

Another pause.

"I no longer live with green convenience store lights in the window?"

"No, you no longer live at the studio. This will be your new home now. You have your own bedroom, and ample space, and lots of new people to meet and befriend." My stomach clenched. The knot was back and bigger than before. 

Jimin looked…confused. "I live here now?"

"Yes, you live here now."

"Jimin," Ms Eli interrupted. "Would you like to see your room?"

"That's a great idea," I enthused and wanted to kick myself for the faked cheerfulness I put on display. 

"Okay," Jimin said. Had I only imagined it, or did his voice really sound as small as a mouse's?

Ms Eli took us to the third floor. The residents seemed to be at work, as the group was eerily quiet, like when I visited last time. It was a shame. I would have loved to meet the people my brother was going to live with from now on. I somehow felt as if I was failing my big-brother duties, not that it made any difference. The contract was signed and I somehow had managed to cough up the first monthly payment for Jimin's sojourn here. 

It still didn't sit quite right with me. Everything felt so…permanent all of a sudden. 

This is permanent, I told myself, repeating the words Dr Han had told me in my mind. But they had never felt as real as they did in this very moment. I bit my lip to prevent myself from crying. 

"Okay, Jimin, here we go. What do you say?" We entered the big room with the blue walls and the whales that were painted on one side. The bed beneath the window was now decorated with a colourful quilt that read 'Jimin' on it. There were various drawings on it, as if each resident had helped to prepare this welcome present for my brother. I was oddly moved. I hadn't arranged a welcome gift for Jimin when he had moved in with me. 

"So, do you like it?" I asked carefully. Jimin shrugged. He seemed overwhelmed, as if he wasn't quite sure what to think.

"It's okay, Jimin." Ms Eli said, still wearing her warm and welcoming smile. "This is a lot to take right now, isn't it? Why don't you allow yourself a little moment to settle in? Later, I can show you how to get around, okay?"

She then looked at me, "I shall leave you two to it then."

Jimin carefully sat down on the edge of the bed, as if he wasn't really sure whether was allowed to touch it.  I remained awkwardly hovering in the middle of the room. "So, this is where you live now. Isn't it nice?" I repeated for the umpteenth time. 

"And chocolate?" Jimin asked after a while. "Chocolate live here too?"

I wanted to laugh. Of course, Jimin's biggest concern was whether he was going to be fed enough chocolate. I should have known. 

"I'm pretty sure they'll have chocolate for you here," I said and winked at my brother. 

Jimin sighed as if a massive weight had been lifted off his shoulders. 

I put Jimin's sparse belongings into his wardrobe, while Jimin remained seated on his bed, looking at me with wide eyes, "do I get chocolate now?"

I retrieved a few bars from my backpack and Jimin tried to snatch all of them eagerly. "Just one," I laughed. "I'll hand the other ones to Ms Eli, and she'll give them to you from time to time."

"But this one now?"

"Yes, you can eat this one right now," I nodded at the one he was clutching in his arms. It didn't need any more prompting for the wrapping paper to go flying. A moment later, my brother had shoved the first piece into his mouth, savouring the taste. The world around him seemed completely forgotten. 

"I'm leaving now," I told him. Ms Eli had asked me not to stay too long, so Jimin could better acclimatise himself. "I'll be coming to visit you soon, okay? I will be here next weekend at the very latest. I promise."

The chocolate in his hands remained more interesting than what I could have said. "Jiminie…I," I started, stopped, started again. I scratched my head. "I…love you, okay? I'm going to miss living with you."

"Yoongi?" Ms Eli, who had reappeared called my name. 

"I guess I shall be leaving you to it then, Jimin. I can't visit you for the next five days, but I will be here on the weekend, I promise."

"Promise," Jimin repeated but didn't look my way. "Chocolate."

"Chocolate," I grinned back at him.

"Actually," Ms Eli chimed in, "we try to offer a healthy and balanced diet to all residents, and refrain from providing sweets, such as chocolate."

What? "But Jimin loves chocolate. He may throw tantrums if he doesn't get any."

"Our staff is well trained to assist Jimin with his behavioural issues. Jimin will learn that whatever we do is only in his very best interest."

For some reason, this didn't reassure me at all. The big knot returned to my stomach and my throat.

"Okay, you're the expert," I mumbled and pocketed the chocolate I originally intended to give to her. I would just bring a bar along every time I visited Jimin. There was no way I would stop him from enjoying his favourite treat occasionally. He had denied himself enough…before all of this. When he was still…the old Jimin, and constantly fussing over his appearance. Not that my brother had ever been out of shape. 

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