What does happiness look like to you? Is it beautiful Instagram worthy pictures? Is it a million + followers? Is it a hefty income? Is it stability? Is it independence? Is it a hoard of children? Is it a beautiful model figure? Is it the white picket fence and green grass? Is it the corner office? Is it a beautifully organized and labeled pantry? (None of this is right or wrong by the way)

I read a lot of nonfiction. I listen to a lot of podcasts and a lot of audiobooks. I feel like I'm at a point in my life that all I want in life is true happiness. And often everything that I put into my mind is in effort to find what might be my happiness. "Garbage in, Garbage out" as one of my middle school teachers told me...So I limit garbage to Vampire Diaries. Ha! I don't want to appear happy for other's approval. I don't want to show it off in vanity. I just want to wake up in the morning and thrive on my little life that I'm in.

I started listening to "Spark Joy" by Marie Kondo today. I've watched her entire tv show before and I find it somewhat interesting how she transforms people's houses. And honestly it appears, people. I haven't started going through things and holding them to my heart to see if it "Sparks Joy", but over the last few weeks I've been decluttering pretty hardcore. Honestly, in an effort to remove waste..clutter...frustration.

Another audiobook that probably started my thought process to decluttering was "A Year of Less" by Cait Flanders. I found her story pretty inspiring as she honestly just started her whole journey with a shopping ban. She wouldn't shop for anything unless it was on her approved shopping list for an entire year. Items on her list that she could buy were toiletries (only when she ran out) and replacing items that broke, etc. (read the book or listen to it..it was a good one). In the mean time she severely decluttered her life. And overcame some pretty amazing things in the meantime.

Her story really got me thinking about how much I consume without necessity. How much do I buy just because I can? Or because it is cheap? I still have so many things around my house with price tags still on them. Why? Why did I even buy it? Did it make me happy then? Did I buy it for happiness? Did it work?

(Going extreme here...bear with me...) Then I watch Hoarders. And I see how miserable they are. Most of them are so alone that maybe one person knows their living situation. Usually their hoard has gotten so out of hand because of a trauma that they haven't worked through. Now I don't have any specific traumas. My life was pretty normal until high school, but even the stuff that happened back then wasn't terribly bad for me. It made me a lot stronger and a lot more focused on the things I did not want for my life. Anyways, I compare my little clutters to big hoards and think why do I have a room in my house that I'm not using? That is storage? And then I want to design a bigger house on land? Why?

I think society tells us that bigger is better. It is flashier. It is expected that you are worth more if you have more to show for yourself. And I personally think it is wonderful if you have a beautiful huge house. But for me I'm guilted by the fact that I don't use my 1400 sqft home in a useful manner. Useful in my opinion...you might come to my house and call me crazy...And that is probably fair.

Circling back to happiness...When I picture my happiness I picture a loving home. A clean, clutter free home that people live in. I don't mean clean like spotless. I mean clean like we have clean dishes to make dinner and mold-free bathrooms. Maybe occasionally swept and mopped floor since my kid is on it constantly. Maybe my happiness is a maid. lol (Honestly, no we've tried a cleaning lady...anxiety about the cleaning lady coming was worse than me just cleaning.)

I want a safe environment for my family. I want my home to be a place that we can come home and feel peace. To relax after the heavy days. To have a drink and unwind. To share stories and dinner around a table each night that we have together. To have a judgment free place to share wild dreams and aspirations. And have people who will support those wild dreams and aspirations to help put them into action. I think my happiness is my home. And hey that is a lot cheaper than other "happiness" I've seen.

I remember begging my husband to move out with me before we were married. I wanted out of my parents house so bad, but knew I couldn't afford it on my own. He did not really want to move out of his house because well his home life was pretty awesome. He couldn't have really asked for a better home life. I on the other hand felt extremely suffocated in my 12x12 room that I hid in 99% of the time I was home. I was drowning. Everyone needed me, but no one knew how I felt...like I felt like I could depend on no one. Everyone else was too busy for me. My parents provided me food and shelter, but that was really all they had for me when they had to take on some additional responsibilities that needed 90% of their attention and even my help. I vividly remember telling my mom that once I was out that I was never coming back (my sisters yo-yoed for awhile in and out of the house and I didn't want that was what I meant by that statement. I didn't want to need to come back) and I thank God that Corey took a risk and bought a house with me shortly after he proposed.

The home we bought was perfect for us. Honestly, still is. It is definitely a humble home in most people's opinions. It is a double wide on an acre of land. It was very plain. The entire house was completely white inside with natural wood paneling. The curtains inside looked like the original owners curtains from 1980. I remember closing on the house and feeling like we hit the jackpot. It was the 5th house we had put an offer on. We had been outbid on all the others. It didn't seem like a house was in the cards for us back in 2015. But this little house has been one of the best parts of my life so far. It brought me peace. (It got me an above ground pool!) Even when we have hit snag after snag with this house (things the previous owners did wrong or hid). We had to replace many things by necessity and emergency. But from this little house we've created a little home. And it has been a blessed home for sure.

I saw this little house as a blank canvas to paint my life into. To breathe life into. I was so freaking excited. I spent countless hours painting each room. Even hand-painted some designs on some of the walls which took days. Even with the blank canvas for design I also saw it as a blank canvas for us. Corey and I could chose the type of home we wanted. And I don't mean brick, stucco, or paneling. I mean happiness. How we were here. Corey is very go with the flow and I'm very planner prepared type person. Literal opposites in this way. But one thing we've come to agree on is happiness. We don't like an upset home. Even before Lily, Corey would never let me stay mad. If he knew something upset me, he almost always went out of his way to make it better. And I've learned based on his lead that I should do the same for him. Our house can be loud. But what I love most is the loud is usually just us laughing or singing crazily at the top of our lungs to annoy the other. We waited on a baby for so long because we wanted to be ready. Financially and mentally. We wanted to have the capacity to push through unpleasant times and work together. We wanted our little one to feel our happiness too. To share in on it. To even contribute to it.

I honestly think my happiness is just being at home with my little family. Nothing fancy. Just our little double wide with our two dogs, turtle, four chickens, and family. It might not be Instagram worthy, but hey I don't even really care for Instagram so...

What is your happiness? Is it what you always thought it would be?

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