It's been weeks now since we've known my boyfriend would have this court appointment. And a few weeks, I am not sure how many, since we heard this is his last chance, since we heard they might just kick him out of the country instead.

They (the lawyer and the people we talked to) say, a job offer would really help... which is funny because he's not allowed to work for money until he gets asylum ... so they need somebody to say, "hey, yeah, we wanna hire this guy ... whenever he gets notified he can have asylum in this country" ... which could be a few weeks even after the court date! Who does that? When people are looking for workers, they usually need them NOW, not a few weeks down the line and then with no guarantee that this guy will actually come and work for them because he might be kicked out of the country instead! So even though I, my mom and friends and acquaintances have all asked around, we didn't find anyone willing to wait to hire him in two weeks, three weeks, four weeks down the line with the uncertainty of "maybe he won't get asylum and they'll have to look for someone else instead".

I am not sure how bad this is. But we'll keep trying. All he can do now is go from job offer to job offer PERSONALLY and ask for a job for him... I am not sure this will work. He'll start doing that some time this week. I am not sure how he will get through denial after denial, some of which I am sure will be rude ... I hope he doesn't take it to heart. He is already not convinced this will even work AT ALL - but it's all we've got left. We gotta at least try.

Ugh. This is all so exhausting. I am just so exhausted. And my boyfriend gets angry so quickly right now. Every little frustration turns into anger and then a fight that I mostly refuse to fight anymore anyway ... but it still hurts my feelings, no matter how hard I try not to let it because I KNOW how much pressure he's under. It's so tiring. It wears me down. So much.

Anyway. This is where we are. Tomorrow in two weeks we'll be facing the judge. At least I HOPE *WE* will face the judge. We have yet to ask the lawyer if I will be allowed to speak to the judge. She might deny that request. Who knows. I have written a long letter advocating for him, too. We'll see if she'll even read it.

I am so frustrated, too. But I try to go about my day. These days I just disappear in my head sometimes. Just slip away, not thinking about anything in particular. Just gone for seconds at a time. Just empty. I hate that because that's how it was during my worst times: I just disappeared and couldn't concentrate on the simplest conversations anymore and small talk - or any kind of talk, really - becomes impossible. How I am supposed to keep up with friends or acquaintances right now I really don't know. I go play basketball again on Thursday - sunshine willing, heh - so even though I know that will be a good distraction, I am a bit worried about us all going out afterwards ... I might not be able to keep up with any conversations...

But who cares. They all know what I am going through right now. And they're all really sweet. I am sure they will understand. And if they don't - well I will be back to normal at some point ... I hope.

It's eight pm here now. I wish I could go to bed. I am so utterly spent today. But the dogs need one more walk, and I need to feed them. And then zzzzzzzzzz.

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