I've lost track of the days this week I thought today was Friday. I knew that wasn't right when I hadn't heard from annas dad about pick up times. Everything just blends together. I just know which job to go to when one of my many alarms go off. Today is Thursday and I'm at the carwash. Atleast it's a short shift.

Yesterday and the day before my BPD was hitting me hard. The depression was crippling. Today my BPD is screaming at me like a drill sergeant. Get the hell up, stop whining and crying and pull it together. Make a plan. It's just more obstacles move them. So that's what I'm doing. I'm taking it easier today because yesterday was mentally and emotionally exhausting.

I fixed my resume so the job hunt is back on. I picked up preschool forms for anna. I finished two books. Today I'm trying to keep my mind calm or else I'll send myself into a stress induced panic attack. I wish I could tamp down my BPD on bad days but when your in them you just can't. It absorbs you, takes over every thought. Some days aren't as bad. I hadn't had a bad bad day in a long time so I guess I was overdue. I work on my cognitive behavior therapy by myself. I'm a nerd and I was diagnosed with BPD when I was 18. I saw a therapist and she was my favorite she taught me to control it without medication. It's harder, it's a constant battle. Part of my therapy I was taught was to be able to recognize my emotions and find the cause or trigger. That helps me decide which techniques to apply that day or in that moment. It's just a constant war.

Today I'm focusing on compartmentalization, my lists, my bills, my jobs, my kid, my life, my emotions everything top to bottom I'm trying to sort out and make do able plans. I cried most of the morning because I couldn't push things out of my mind from the days before, I'm still struggling but I made it to work and I'm in work mode. I'll take it as a win.

There's a lot of things I can't change or have control over, I have a problem accepting that. It's always one thing after the other.

Tomorrow is going to be hard for me because I'll be at work when anna gets picked up for her dad's weekend. I'm usually home when she leaves but I picked up an extra shift at the car wash so I'll be here early in the morning. I hate when anna leaves she's my glue. She's the reason I run myself into the ground because she deserves so much more. When she's gone I don't even know what to do with myself. I'll pace around the house, find things to clean or fix. I'd sometimes do one of my hobbies like restoring old furniture or doing DIY stuff, I'm just currently out of supplies and don't have the money to get more.

I might be picking up a third job tomorrow, it won't be a regular thing. I'll be working at concerts pouring beer, bingo nights, fairs things like that. I can do it on the weekends I don't have anna so it doesn't take more time away from her. I could use the extra income.

Today I'm going to try and finish another poem. My brother thinks I write like Edgar Allen poe with a twist of scary stories to tell in the dark. I am a darker writer. It's always been easier for me. I live in the dark in my head so it just comes naturally. I hate writing fluff. Fluffy happy stories aren't me. I'm just not sure there's a market for my style. I write mostly for myself. Some of it is dark and gruesome. Sometimes it's creepy and strange. It's just the way my brain works. So don't be alarmed if some of my poetry is fairly dark. It's just writing and helps me process and work through my own life to get it out in that style. I will put trigger warnings on some posts please don't be alarmed.

That's all I've got for now. I'm hoping for a better day today. I'm ready to dive into a new book, run a couple quick errands after work and enjoy the rest of my evening with anna.

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