I haven't been feeling very present lately. I feel like I'm physically where I'm supposed to be at all the appropriate times but I don't feel like I'm here mentally.

I feel like an avatar moving around in a sim game. I'm doing all the motions and saying all the words but I'm more consumed inside my head. It's not a bad place to be right now. It's somber but content. I've been spending my free time reading a book. I've gotten most of the things on my to do list done.

Sometimes I feel like I want to say things that just don't come out. My thoughts are like birds being scared from a tree and scattering around in all different directions. I've felt almost a little distant from myself. I feel like maybe that's my minds way of coping with the changes I've set into motion. Switching jobs, leaving a job I've been at for years that was a security for me as much as it was a burden. Having to write a letter to the school board because anna is on a waiting list for preschool. Arguing with my ex over the proper way to secure a child in a vehicle an argument I didn't think I should have even had, it's honestly common sense. The appointments I need to make my ever growing list.

I think my brain is detaching itself slightly to make it easier for me. Like it's protecting me from another round of stress induced panic. I kind of don't mind. It's almost peaceful but I've found myself blanking out in conversations or not really paying attention. Not absorbing anything and that's a little concerning. I haven't missed anything important in conversations just drama or details of someone else's life because my brain is a million miles away and just doesn't particularly care to hear about everyone else's life or current situation because nobody ever listens to mine. Maybe that's petty...but I have enough troubles and drama in my own life I don't need to solve anyone else's right now. That also sounds selfish now that I've written it out.

This morning I was upset because a couple people I had been close with in highschool recently linked up with me. I got curious to check on some others. I felt like total crap. Everyone is either in a relationship, engaged, married or on honeymoons and here I am alone like always. I think I was more upset about it all because I'd had a dream last night that was a little weird but it was nice. I'd dreamt I was at a zoo banquet or something and this guy I'd recognized was there we've never been close or barely even talked and I've not thought of him in years but he was there. Something had happened and the animals escaped but came and we dodged wild animals throughout the zoo together and somehow ended up in my yard at my parents house and he was dating me. Everything was perfect my heart had felt full, I felt happy and he was there with me. A strange dream but I guess waking up alone after that and then realizing I'm one of the few left single was a little painful.

I'm used to being alone but it would be nice to have that person. A person who wants to be there with me, for me. I don't know why maybe impulse but I sent that guy a friend request on Facebook I'm not sure why it's a little absurd he lives in another state and couldn't really give two cents about me. Like I said we've never talked just seen eachother in passing briefly. Wishful thinking a zoo will explode with wild animals and he'll magically be there? It's laughable. I know. I'm hoping one day I won't be alone. One day this mystery man I've been dreaming of that where's other faces will appear and I'll know it's him. Like maybe our inner conscience is reaching out somewhere in between the lines the you can't see. Maybe his mind is reaching for mine in our sleep. Maybe he's thinking of me too. Again wishful thinking.

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