Hailey would be 7 this year and in 1st grade this year. I wonder how her personality would be compared to C and H. Would she be closer to C, closer to H, or would she be completely different. I try not to focus on what we have missed, but as today gets closer every year that's were my mind goes. We didn't get to be there for any of the moments she would have had.

This time of the year is always hard and I usually take the time off from work. I know its hard for me to be around other people and my anxiety is always harder. This year though it landed on the weekend, except for yesterday. I worked for the first time in 7 years. It was hard, being busy was nice but being around kids made it difficult. I kept wondering what Hailey would have been like in school, who her teacher would have been, and who her friends would have been.

Today we have stayed home, other then a single trip to Walmart to do grocery shopping. That was enough to push me over the edge, anxiety high, stress high. It took me a couple of hours after getting home to calm back down. The girls and I cleaned up the flower bed and the garden today and that has been it. I normally would feel bad for not doing much but not today. The thought of leaving the house today is almost too much.

In my wonderings of Hailey and how her life would have been, I have to remind myself that with all of her medical issues she most likely wouldn't have made it this long. She would have passed away before this point. Also with our life plan and family plan we only were going to have 2 kids, so after Hailey, Matt would have been fixed and we wouldn't have had H. H brings us so much joy, and happiness that I can't imagine her not being part of our lives.

Does it make me a bad person? A horrible mom? How can I be both sad that I was robbed the chance to know Hailey and happy that we were able to have H. How can it be both?

While I know that I struggle with this, I know that other people in the family also experienced the loss. Aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents all also experienced the loss of their niece, cousin and granddaughter. I recognize that this loss is different then the loss that I have experienced, it does not mean they don't have feelings regarding this as well. They mourn her in their way. The last 7 years I have been focused on how this has effected me and my family, but I have not taking the time to think how they are doing. I isolate myself and avoid social media and avoid talking to others. I never think should I reach out to see how they are doing? Should I check in with them? One side of me says yes I should, however I also know that I am not emotionally stable to reach out on her birthday.

I love all my children. The 3 of them are my world. I would do anything for Hailey, H and C. That's what moms are for, right?