Three causes are linked to most relationships failures from the very beginning: asking (expecting) the wrong thing; asking the wrong person, asking at the wrong time. There is no way that you can ultimately serve a person that you don't love efficiently. If you don't love people genuinely, spontaneously before you attempt at serving them, you are not really serving them: you are using them

Ghislaine T Vode

By Ghislaine T Vode

First , let me share this example with you as a way of starting this important conversation about relationship.

I don't remember praying a lot about marriage in my previous life. Younger (in my mid twenties), I was busy; and my only goal in life I guess was to succeed financially and make my father proud. To me success, the materialistic kind, was the only thing I needed to make it and be happy in life. I thought that my being financially independant as a young woman was very attractive; attractive enough to land me any man i would choose to be with. All what was left to do on my end to find one, is to choose one anytime I would feel ready.
One day, I prayed to God to send me a good man to marry. In my prayer, I made sure I was very specific about all the things i wanted and needed in a man: good looking; good job, nice house, no children or just one; nice, loving siblings. I wanted an intellectual, sensitive, caring, a family man to say the least. I was not too afraid to ask God for it because i knew that He wanted the best for me. And this was the best list of requirements i could come up with. Not quite… Did i mention that i wanted my good man to be God fearing?

When i finished that prayer To God, something very unusual happened. I heard God speaking right away back to me; saying: "Well if a man has everything in life… if he already that good; has everything that you are asking for and more; all of those things going for himself and by himself, security, independance… what makes you think that he wants you or needs you?

I ask you the same question… But I have to tell you , since that answer I got right there and then from God, i understand and deal with my relationships with a whole new perspective.

What are you looking for in a good relationship?

I am not an expert, but studying relationships, counseling and listening to people being in relationships; and being in relationships myself helped me identify three major issues/causes that are the most damaging according to me and that we all have encountered in dealing with other people. The first issue is connecting with the wrong person; in other words asking the wrong person for the help we need. When i say asking the wrong person, i mean asking (or taking our issue to) someone who cannot and will not actually help us. The second issue is asking the wrong thing to the right person. Asking the wrong thing is having the wrong expectations from someone. It can also be asking for things what will not address the issue that we are trying to solve. And last but not least, asking the right thing, to the right person but at the wrong time.

Relationships indeed are so complex, but potentially so complete and so critical that we need to consider more than one dimension in our dealings with others. Relationships never stay still, they always evolve and we constantly run into these three blocks, passively, in one shape of form . Asking the right person to give me what I need to receive? Asking that right person, the "right" thing that I need to receive? Asking him or her what (s)he can give ? And third, Am i asking the right thing, to the right person, at the right time? the same is also true when it comes to being the right person...

Asking the right thing, to the right person, at the right time is what helps build and sustain good healthy relationhips. Getting into a relationship, it seems, Is like getting on a plane and asking for a window seat when you have a bladder problem. Then the steward on board walks you to an availaible window seat far away from the bathroom; right next to someone who has a shoulder pain. Would you choose to take that seat?

We all walk into relationships with imperfections (hence the bladder problem). We all, and rightfully so, want the best possible situation or outcome (the window seat) to be able to enjoy ourselves and blossom once we are on board (the relationship). Asking for a window seat is not necessarily the problem if you believe that you deserve it. Having the bladder issue is not the problem either (people succed at relationships regardless of their imperfections). The neighbor seating next to you (your relationship mate) with the shoulder pain is not the problem either ( others are not our problems, they are not always to blame). The real issue is findng balance, solving an equation that requires taking into accounts all the variables and making it work in a most successful way. This equation is workable, when all the variables are found (or can be found) and they work together naturally. To all imperfect people who are challenged To find a workable agreement just so that we receive what we need.... relationships are designed for us.

We will always need good relationships for as long as we live. We will need them as helpers, healers, to lift us up. When it comes to good relationships, Love always matter. But love is an outcome; a decision that makes all variable findable, and workable. And love works best when all variables we look make sense together. Choosing the right type of relationship first hand, will help you identify the right person to be in that relationship with…

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