Well, my therapy session sucked today! I felt very angry when I left, angry at a part of my system, and angry at her, and angry at everyone. It was a scary anger and I didn't know what to do with it. I felt left alone by her, and I felt treated badly. Cold. That's the word I would use to describe it.

It took me about an hour or longer, I am not sure, to get back to myself. Like, get back to the self that knows what we need, and what we needed VERY MUCH and what the part that was showing himself in therapy needed, was compassion. Warmth, compassion and guidance. And we tried to do that for him when we were able to finally think straight again. We kept going back and forth between, "Are we doing this wrong? Is her way of doing it correct and we're just not brave enough to face this confrontation?" and kept testing ourselves, and what we know of ourselves and what felt *right* and *gentle* and *loving*.

After we finally were able to take care of our part, we were troubled about therapy and our therapist, but at least we didn't feel so very angry and upset and alone anymore. Which I guess it good, but it means I will have to have a talk with my therapist about why we're not vibing currently. Like, last time I was there was okay-ish but the time before that we also weren't on the same wavelength and I am not sure what's going on.

What helped me sort through this mess was imagining this part as a boy in front of me. Right then a boy around the age of 8-10 walked by my mom's car and I imagined I was talking to *him*. And I would have NEVER treated him the way the therapist suggested we treat this part today.

And she said the much hated - MUCH MUCH MUCH Hated - word, "Manipulative". That boy might have been trying his very best to be heard in all his pain, but calling him manipulative was unfair. She said he needs to do some growing-up. And I agree, there's a gap there, between this part and reality, and that "growing up" might be a word you can use to describe the journey that needs to happen. But she seemed so ... hard. It was really upsetting. And what she was saying was not what I was experiencing at all. Like, I let that part express himself inside of us, reporting back what was happening, and when she went to describe what she experienced through these reports, I was honestly surprised because that's not what I had experienced feelings-wise at ALL! But I thought, okay, maybe I am not seeing something and tried to press myself into this picture she had created in *her* head. But it wasn't right. It didn't fit.

And that is always a bit upsetting. But I am carrying this okay this time. Like, I am not happy, and this was honestly a hard session where I - or rather this part of my system - did not feel heard and seen. But I am not completely through the roof crazy with, "WHY DOES SHE NOT SEE ME?" ... which is honestly such a HUGE step forward that I am rather proud of us.

I can hold the tension between what we perceive as right and correct and the feeling of not being seen by her and not being heard by her and that she might have given bad guidance today. It's okay. I am okay. WE are okay.

Honestly though, reading Janina Fisher's book Healing The Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors REALLY helped guide me through this. It's the scientific book I said I was reading a few days ago. I am still slowly reading through it because first of all, it's not written in a very simple language (and English will still always be my second language and not my first) and also because there's just so much information and emotional content packed into every sentence that we're working our way through it very, very slowly.
But I am glad we're reading it. It was Fisher's language and her way of working with parts that helped guide us back to OURSELVES today. So yay for that.

Quick update on Winnie: We did some blood work. His liver is giving up, his pancreas is inflamed, we got more meds and new food. It cost us a fortune. We're poor. And he won't live that much longer most likely though the vet didn't say anything about his life expectancy or how it's going to go at all.

So we're on an emotional roller coaster right now.

But we'll be okay.

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