I am tired. It's a bone deep exhaustion that is more than just physical. I am so tired, I could cry. I guess it has to do with relief because for weeks now I have tried to pretend that everything is okay in front of my boyfriend and now he's got asylum and won't be deported and we'll be okay. I wasn't always very good at pretending I was fine, but I kept my strength invested in that. For weeks I have put my own problems on the back burner and concentrated on getting everything sorted and organized and fought with him over every little thing, and every little step there was to take. Every time I thought we should mention something to the lawyer, we fought. Every time I told him to do what they told him to do, we fought (like getting the facebook screenshots which in the end might have saved his ass - but we fought over that, too).

I am TIRED and today we fought again. Short, but he's still not over it and right now walking the dogs while I try not to cry.

I had a real urge to cut myself today. And I am trying not to because goodness, I've been through enough in the past couple of weeks, I don't need to add violence to the mix, right? Because even though it will bring relief to some of us, it will be violence for others. So I am trying not to.

We fought because of a fucking misunderstanding! We fought because I'd said that we might put Winnie down today, which I wasn't sure about in the morning, and I communicated that. But because his English sucks and his German sucks, he didn't understand and was mad because he wanted to meet a friend today, which ... I had TOLD him to go meet his friend and that I would let him know if Winnie does look like he needs to be put down. But he said he'd come home. And then was he mad when I told him Winnie would be okay and he doesn't need to come to the vet.

I spent all day worried about Winnie, too. He didn't look good this morning. Just lying on his side, not even sleeping, just lying there with his eyes open and staring into space.

I am tired. I have a right to be tired. And I think I will do the sensible thing and spend the weekend in bed, feeling sorry for myself. Because that's what I need right now. I need to take care of myself, and I need to take care of my headmates. And there's some REAL heavy stuff that needs to be worked through ... and, well, sleep can be healing. So let's hope it heals some of this shit.

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