Ok. I'm needing to express myself here. Based on recent events I need to discuss the concept of "family". Not the blood related sort. No. The other sort. The ones that worm their way in slapping down a hefty title like "family" but just manipulating a situation for their benefit.

After my husbands passing, naturally, every form of human made their way out of the wood works. With varying degrees of relation to my husband, from musical acquaintance to blood, everyone was labeling themselves as "family" to me. Yet, after all is settled, not but months later, the title has been discarded.

This is a moment for me to address how I feel about the blatant abuse of such a formal title and the sheer disregard for another's feelings.

I acknowledge that, with "family", comes nonsense. That's the acceptance of such a relation. You wade through their shit and they wade through yours. There is an unspoken understanding of a certain level of fortitude, I would say, that comes with referencing such a connection. Yet to throw the term around with such carelessness, with such sheer disregard for another's appreciation for the foundation of the term itself, is by and far appalling.

Not everyone who used that title during the after-hours of my husband's passing was mislabeling the situation. Some did, however. Not only did they mislabel to maximize whatever potential output would come from such a disaster, but they also continually attempted to forcibly highjack the details and small amounts of closure that accompanied it.

The few "shining stars" of said behavior don't actually shock me, as I fully expected as such. There is one, though. One in specific that has hurt me to my core. I genuinely believed we were so much closer than that. I truly saw them as family not "family".

I know now how wrong I was in my declaration.

Every attempt I make to bridge the gap and secure our bond I am met with an indecisive back and forth. It's as if I can actually see the person trying to figure out how they wish to proceed with me. It's time to decide.

This message is for you.

I will say straight out that I love you. I do. It might be weird but I don't give a fuck. I love you. I have grown to know you very well over these years and have brought you into my deepest circle. That NEVER happens. The amount of souls that dwell within my inner realm can fit into the palm of my hand. You are one of them.

I have struggled to understand you as your strongest defense mechanism is to hide all you are behind your stoic gaze and high emotional walls. I have traversed your many varying moods and your hot-and-cold shifts. One moment I feel that you, too, love me in return, but then I feel like you bury a deep ceded hatred that cannot be negotiated with.

Yo. Really?! Figure it out.

I completely understand, and fully accept, that there is a tremendous amount of oddities wrapped around our "relationship" but it's only made more complex by your inability to announce your heart. Your truth. I can take a hit. I'm seasoned in it thanks to life. I can handle, and eventually accept, that perhaps, all in all, you do actually loathe the very idea of me. Fine. Just be real and brave enough to announce it. Own it.

I am, also, more capable of wholly accepting that it's possible that you may quietly, and insecurely, love me in return. I will always allow you the room to "love" as you do. But announce it. Even if it's just to me. I would never surrender your truth. That is yours to hold and deliver. Not mine. I would respect your need to deal with how you feel and not place any pressure to continue to deepen our "relationship" unless you warranted it. But own it.

And when I say own it, announce it, do it in your way. Maybe it's blocking me on social media. Maybe it's sending me a message every now and again saying hi. Maybe it's letting me know you like my writing or not bothering to ever talk to me again. But doing all of those things at the same time is fucking confusing.

For the billionth time, our "relationship" is riddled with perceived land mines. But merely PERCEIVED. Not actual. Get out of your head, step into your heart and make a decision. Please. I'm at the point of basically calling you out.

Why?

Because I love you.

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