These past few days I have woken up cranky and tired and nowhere near ready to face the day. It's been like this for too long now. I am getting tired of being so tired all the time and fighting it. I try to breathe, focus on the now, realize I am doing my best and try to concentrate on looking at the bright side. It only KIND of works most days and today I am finding it super hard to do any of that. I might just go back to bed later and give it up, this fight. At least for today.

In therapy on Wednesday we followed this feeling of "nothing is ever enough" that *I* feel and that I am making the people around me feel. We followed the feeling and these few words inside until we found a child/teen, around 12-13 years old, and so full of anger.
The therapist says it's a punishing kind of feeling she's getting. Like the kid is saying, "I am feeling alone and desperate and I feel that nothing I do is EVER enough - and I am going to make you all feel the same way!"

I am not getting that vibe at all but I think that's because any kind of "punishing" is strictly taboo to me. I don't *punish* people (or animals). I don't believe in it and I think it's a scary thing to do as it leaves the punished feeling alone and also helpless. A feeling I don't want to be the cause of - and yet I AM the cause of such a feeling in plenty of people around me... one has to only go back in my blog a few days ... I complain about not feeling close to anyone, yet people are here and lovely. It's not for THEIR lack of trying I don't feel close to anybody, it's my lack of acceptance of such a closeness (because it terrifies me) that is the cause of this.

So I am ... or rather, this part of me (and maybe others) is punishing the people around me for things that are long over and done. For the past.

And here I sit with my anxiety and crankiness and all this unhappiness and I am wondering if this child is the cause of that. I call her Tempest. Because she rages like a storm, wanting to destroy everything in her path in her anger and despair. If she is the cause, I need to meet here where she is and work with her. I need to listen to her, and feel her pain and I need to try and comfort her.
As I write this, I can feel that this is exactly what I need to do. ... It's hard to not turn away in anger myself. I really don't like this constant work with anger and despair. But I NEED to work with these feelings and the headmates having them because it is invading my present life in ways that are not only unpleasant but also just downright unfair to the people around me.

I guess I WILL go back to bed. To sleep, yes, but first to work with Tempest. I know this kid feels all alone in the world. I need to make her see she is not. I've got her, and so do many of the other headmates in this system of ours.

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