Rebekah Faith posted: " Let me first say that I am a research and analysis person so by the time I've made a decision about something I consider important, like my children, I probably know quite a bit about the subject-not everything by any means. Decisions about my childr"
Let me first say that I am a research and analysis person so by the time I've made a decision about something I consider important, like my children, I probably know quite a bit about the subject-not everything by any means. Decisions about my children are never made lightly.
It has happened a couple of times since having children that people have made judgments about the way we have chosen to parent, feed (I kid you not), cuddle, and more recently, educate our children. When it's people I don't know, it is easy to brush these snide comments or strong suggestions into the mental bin and move on, leaving them in their ignorance to believe what they will. The difficulty for me is when it is someone with whom I thought I had a close enough relationship to have a grownup conversation about the different ways we have found to navigate being a spouse, parent, pastor, and Christ-follower. I have been crushed and confused every time. This post is for me and my heart and also to hopefully help those who feel the need to share strong unsolicited opinions.
First, for the one feeling crushed today, my guess is that the person sharing really thinks they are being helpful. Continue to give them the benefit of the doubt. Second, use this confrontation as an opportunity to either educate your offending friend or if you aren't prepared for defense, to research and pray so that you reinforce your choice in your own mind and heart (or maybe change it). If it is a theological issue, obviously some time in the Word and maybe even reading some commentaries will be important. Third, not everything someone says to you merits a response. Seriously. Finally, if this happens frequently with the same person, it is time to either have a conversation about how they are addressing your decisions, especially when they are unaffected by them, or to put some distance between you and them.
To those who are reading this and feel the need to tell moms and dads how to breastfeed or formula feed or that they are snuggling their little ones too much or that they should keep them home or should put them into daycare or should have them in public school or private school or should homeschool, just STOP. Unless you are the parent of that child or the child is in danger, us parents do not need one more person telling us how we are doing things all wrong. I know, you have so much love to give and wisdom. We do need that too! So here are some suggestions for you
First, THINK.
If it isn't those things, let it go. Tell your dog later if you need to say it out loud. Type yourself a note if you need to write it down. (Or maybe write a general blog like this).
Secondly, if you have decided something must be said and that you have a close enough relationship with the person for it to be your business, don't come at it like you are talking about people in general or you don't know what the other person's opinion is. Maybe start something like, "I heard you've decided to put Joey in daycare. That is a brave choice." Or "I heard you decided to keep taking Jamie to the office with you. That seems really difficult." Or "wow! You have kept your child in school through all the Covid shutdowns and reopening and virtual time. That's amazing!" Or "I heard you have decided to continue homeschooling when schools resume in person. That is so interesting. Would you tell me more about that?" Then shut your mouth, bite your tongue if necessary and LISTEN! You may or may not still feel the need to share your important tidbits after you allow someone time to share. You might even learn something new about this person or issue you care so much about. In the least you will have given an opportunity to have a relationship-building conversation instead of shattering it over something that isn't even your business.
So to the mamma who has two little babies in the office, juggling all the things somehow-good job! To the mamma who has decided to stay home and keep her babies with her, breastfeeding till age 4-great job! To the dad who is dropping off the babies at daycare for the first time-great job! It's ok to cry. To the parents who have decided to homeschool and have no idea where to start-great job!
Friends, parenting is not easy. There is no one right way. The Bible says over and over that parents are responsible for teaching their children God's ways, but outside of that, we are meant to be on our knees seeking His leading for our families, our first disciples, on a daily basis. If you feel called to homeschool, find a way to make it work with His help. If you feel called to send your kids to school, do it. And when someone comes along with an opinion about how you are doing things, consider it's value, and then be like Taylor Swift and "shake it off."
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