I have therapy again a few hours. I am super nervous about it. I really want to focus on that and on getting past ... the past. But the boyfriend and I are experiencing some real problems with each other currently and it's hard to even get myself to THINK about anything else.
Which proves the point my therapist made that my world is revolving around him currently... I need to change that. I really, really do. Maybe I'll do something fun just for myself after therapy. If not after therapy, then next week when our train schedules are back to normal (currently there's construction work being done and it takes me twice as long to get to the city)...
I am so sick of him getting angry at everything. I have issues with explosive anger, too, but he tops me right now. He's under a lot of pressure right now and like with everyone it's not bringing out his best side AT ALL.
He needs to move into his own apartment. The guys he's currently "living with" need to kick him out for a very valid reason. So we've been apartment hunting together - him, my mom and I. But mostly my mom, really. I've also been calling people left and right about apartments - which is horrible because I have a very bad phone phobia and it takes me A LOT of energy and courage to call strangers ... but hey, maybe that part is actually good for me.
He also needs to move out because he is not acting like an adult these past few months and I am tired of having to remind him of things (important appointments, all of them), wake him up for his classes and get yelled at for it, and so on and so forth.
Right now I just heard him get up. He should have left with the last train, an hour ago - they only go once every hour and he's going to miss this one as well- to go to his language class. If he doesn't go to class, they'll stop giving him money. Yesterday he was really mad about something stupid and huffed off to bed and I told him that I would NOT wake him up today, which I have threatened a few times and never made true. Today I just let him sleep. We'll see what he says when he comes into the living room.
He's also not practicing his language skills. Every time I try to speak to him in my native language, he either speaks English back or switches again after a short while and never switches back. He's never going to get a single job this way, and he would rather work something more sophisticated than serving food or cleaning at McDonald's. Without language skills that is not happening. He wants to get educated, without language skills that is also not happening.
I don't know what he is doing with his life but I can't run after him and manage his life FOR him anymore. It's not good for him, for me, or the relationship. It's destroying both of us.
So, I'll be glad he'll get his own apartment soon (hopefully) and then he'll need to stay there during the days he has class - and he can come visit me for the three days he's got off. I can't do it like this anymore. It's not only making me angry and driving me bananas, it's costing me so much energy every single day, and I just can't anymore. I am tired. Really tired and very sad about how it has gotten this way.
I am not even gonna mention the household chores he's not sharing because everybody has that problem but honestly, it's just one more thing I cannot bear anymore.
So. Now that I've gotten all that off my chest, let's concentrate on therapy and healing and feeling better.
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