I am so full of anxiety lately. Daisy (my french bulldog) has another blister on her paw and can barely walk. I wanted to take her to the vet yesterday, but the vet wasn't working yesterday apparently. We have an appointment tonight. Thankfully my boyfriend will have time to come with me, as I will probably have to carry her a lot on the way to the vet (which is a 35 minute brisk walk). This way he can help me carry her.
She had the same happen last year around this time of the year I think. I feel sorry for her. And I am stressed out as I have to walk her with Lucky, then take her back upstairs and leave again with just Lucky to give her a proper walk.
I feel bad for Daisy.
Also the oldest neighbor kid reminded me a bit of my older cousin when I saw her talking to her siblings a few weeks ago and since then I've been missing my cousins and my aunt. And it sucks. I keep replaying these scenarios in my head in which I invite them back into my life. But they hurt me so badly and they cannot be trusted. Am I healed enough to risk it? I don't think so. But maybe some day...
So I sit here and am anxious.
I still have to quit my volunteer job. One of the guys said something insensitive again (he has done so before) with no feeling whatsoever for what he was saying (or maybe he just didn't care). But I didn't say anything this time. I already told him last time what I think about the things he says, and everybody was laughing with him so I just let it go. But I feel bad, because I am 100% sure he would NOT have said what he did if we had a black person on the team. He used a word that was used as a term for black people back in his time, but is now a derogatory term. And he said, that whatever we were talking about was like this term and you "can't use it anymore haha". I think he was trying to provoke me. But I didn't take the bait. The others laughing about it makes me feel VERY uncomfortable and makes me question what kind of people I am actually working with. So I am gonna quit. This just cements this decision for me.
I feel like crying, too. Just so lost. I have been thinking about how hard this life is. And how I feel like I'd never be able to do it alone. I have to remind myself that I am NOT alone right now. Yes, I might and will lose people along the way, like we all do. But right now I am NOT alone! Whatever may happen in the future is far away right now and I don't know who I will be then, what kind of person I will be. It's unlikely I will lose everyone in my life overnight. But sometimes it just feels too hard to do this life.
Just tells me how overwhelmed I am. And how stressed out.
I need to quit this job. It's stressing me out to not have done that yet. And then I need to go about finding some volunteer work that I actually enjoy and where I feel like I am doing something useful! Maybe I can actually go back to working with kids again one way or another.
Either way, I need to do things I enjoy - OUT THERE in the real world. To feel my own capabilities again. To not feel so weak and useless.
And I have to do more work with my headmates again. I have had quite a few self-injury urges again and it's getting worse. Which is a clear sign somebody inside is distressed and feels ignored. I kind of always let it slide because it is easier to just ... go about my life. I feel so integrated - me by myself. I have to laugh at that. But I have proof the others are very much still there ... all the time I lose, the conversations I forget. I am not alone in this head. And yes, we are working kind of like a team - but not as a team that communicates much. We're kinda each doing our thing. I sit at home and think things through, someone else goes to play Basketball once a week and someone else spends the time after to talk to people. Somebody else meets people we already know, like our friends. Someone else talks with the mom. Somebody else again is around for the boyfriend. It all works beautifully - mostly. So we haven't seen the NEED to communicate with each other. Until somebody inside, a teenager, has been screaming for attention with the self-injury urges.
Well good thing I leave for therapy in an hour. I will have a lot to talk about.
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