Things are changing rapidly here and though I welcome and embrace it in some parts, in other parts is scares me so very, very much.
My boyfriend is still looking for an apartment. It's hard to find anything with his name (clearly Arabic) and with him having no job yet. He's still busy going to his language classes... I hope we'll find something for him, soon. But it'll be hard. Still, he will have to find something because he can't stay where he's currently at.
So things are changing either way - whether I embrace it or not. Things are always changing. And in some major ways now.
My boyfriend will move out for most of the days of the week now. He won't stay with me all week like he used to once he's got a place of his own. He wants a job in the city, and live in the city. And I don't. So we'll spend a lot of time apart. I won't be staying overnight at his place a lot because getting the dogs to the city is hard on me and the dogs, and it's expensive, too.
I will be spending a lot of time on my own here. Just me and the dogs. That will be a challenge - I think. I hope I can find joy in spending time on my own and go out and do things and meet people when I feel too lonely. I have spent long days on my own before - I was single for two years before I met my boyfriend and I was on my own during that time. But it wasn't here - it was in the city. So this will take some adjustment. But I think I'll be able to find those joyful moments I just wrote about.
I am also changing a few other things, taking on challenges like the volunteer job challenge. I am trying to be more active again. I got myself a swim suit the other day and it's currently in the washing machine, so I'll be going swimming soon and hopefully regularly. Building my physical strength will be good for me. And building my mental strength is also very necessary, so that means: going out of my comfort zone as much as possible.
I am nervous about playing Basketball tonight and meeting all those people again. But I am sure it'll be okay. I am just nervous about going out and about again. It's been so long since I've done anything "new" ... and this isn't even completely new. I just haven't played since last fall. It's been about 6 or 7 months now. I need to get out and embrace this, too!
I've also been thinking of my spirituality a lot and have decided Buddhism isn't for me. I already suspected that, but the more I read about it (I am currently reading some books by the American monk [I think she's a monk?] Pema Chödrön) the more I realize I don't believe in everything she writes about.
But I don't know where to go from here. I am not going back to church because I don't believe in the Catholic or Christian ideologies either. I felt very much at home with the Native American way of life ... but that's not for me. I am a white European ... I am not even anywhere close to the States.
There's nothing here along those lines. I don't believe in the Celtic or Wicca way of life. I don't believe I am a witch or anything like that. Maybe some kind of native religions somewhere closer to here? There really isn't much left of those. I was reading a book on Runes which drew me in at first but the more I read the more I felt the author was just making it all up as she went on writing.
So I don't really know where I could turn to. It all seems like a search for something that's not there anymore.
I am reading this book by Octavia Butler called Parable of the Sower ... where the main character is also making up a new religion and it makes me smile with humor. Maybe that's the way to go! 
I just ... feel the tide of change pulling me in and I know I am ready for it - actually, I WANT it. But it still scares me and sometimes worries me a lot.
But I gotta go with the flow - because as much asI can try to fight against change, it's still going to happen. Can I become fluid like that, too? Can I change some of my own, most flawed patterns? I want to be open-hearted again. I want to be a curious person again. I want to experience joy again.
All these things will not just HAPPEN to me. They will only if I MAKE and LET them happen. So these huge changes in my life right now - will they be able to change my rigidity, too? Because I realize I HAVE become very rigid in my way of thinking. It's hard for me to have new ideas right now, to be soft and think fluidly. Everything in my mind is happening in old, rusted patterns.
And I know the only way to break patterns is to try new things, make new experiences, talk to people, learn about them. Going out into nature does this for me, too. Watching nature grow and expand, like I want my mind to grow and expand.
So. Changes. May I have the strength and courage to embrace them.
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