Today is therapy day. I am a bit nervous. I haven't seen her in two weeks and a lot has happened.
First the realization that she doesn't really know who we are outside of therapy - and how could she, she only sees certain headmates and not others. So we've been trying to think of how to tell her or show her who we ALSO are.
Then the whole looking at our flaws with such focus and that causing a lot of shame and feelings of not being a very nice person/people. Which also makes sense I guess, but doesn't really take away the need to still look at those "flaws" - which are mostly my reactions to triggers in relationships. It's so odd, ... after 12 years now (we've been seeing her for exactly 12 years this month!!!) it still sometimes feels like we don't know her at all. It's like we can't access the first I-don't-know-how-many years ... Which also makes sense looking at it from the DID point of view. I guess many didn't get to know her until much later. But the knowledge is THERE ... just not accessible during therapy for those who show up.
Then there's the whole anxiety in social situations. We're overthinking everything and I think that's also caused by us looking so intensely at our flaws/triggers. Maybe we need a session of just focusing on our strengths and resources again... or maybe, actually, we should be doing that outside of therapy, to counteract all the shame that's being triggered. We know we can be extremely resilient and that we do have something to offer the people we meet ... at least we know it SOMETIMES. Not all the time.
So loads to talk about.
As to my life outside of therapy...
I've been training with my dog Lucky a bit again. I kinda let her bad behavior towards other dogs (on the leash) slide for a long time and now it's starting to get real bad again, so I am FINALLY doing something against it and training her again. She's bored a lot, I think. So I've been trying to offer her more stimulation and mental challenges. I'm also training her recall because once she chased after an otter and wouldn't come back till it disappeared into the river. Ugh! She was lucky the poor critter didn't bite her! Training her is fun for us both, which is good because it gives us BOTH a feeling of accomplishment and pride and self-esteem. 
I've been thinking of going swimming once a week. So I'd have Basketball on Thursdays and then swimming additionally - I was thinking maybe on Tuesdays, which is my day off. It would be good for both my physical AND mental health to move my body, get out there, try new things.
I've also been thinking of cooking more often. That one's still hard. Kitchens and food are STILL a trigger though nowhere near as badly as they used to be. I don't like thinking of what I can cook or what I need for that, I hate shopping for groceries and I simply don't like eating either. Like, mostly ever. I can enjoy chocolate and other candy, but "real food"? Nope! That's something I need to relearn. Real, nutritious food is obviously really important and I need to learn to eat it with joy (lol - do "need to" and "joy" ever go together?). I am trying not to put too much pressure on myself and instead focus on the little steps. Candy is just "safe food" and for some reason everything else isn't. I wonder if this is the leftovers from my ED (eating disorder) behavior ... actually, scratch that! It IS ED behavior.
Well anyway, lots going on. I am really trying to make my life outside of my mind healthier, too. I am trying to keep the apartment looking less chaotic (which is sometimes better, sometimes worse). I am trying to eat healthier. I am trying to cut back on meat because it just makes me feel horrible to eat it (because of the mass production of it and the suffering that's behind that). I am trying to move my body. Connect with people and keep in touch with my friends (turns out being less of a hermit is good for you! LOL). Just generally trying to make my outside-of-my-mind life joyful and meaningful.
I also did end up writing creatively after my last post and it really felt good. I got a new edition of a magazine yesterday, where all the current contests and calls for submissions for creative writing are collected. I am going to go have a look at that soon.
Also, I need to get back to meditating. I was good with it for about a week, then completely forgot about it and now I want to do it again. Regularly. I think it'd be really good for me/us.
So life is happening. It feels like a lot to see it all listed here and that tends to overwhelm me. Just gotta remember to take it one minute at a time. Nobody's expecting any miracles here. One minute and one step at a time. And ... guess what: lots of deep breathing! 
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