Life since the fire has been weird. Up and down, loads of triggers. A lot of anger - inside of me as well as inside of my boyfriend. We're both not handling this very gracefully, really.
I talked about it in therapy and then we tried to do some new trauma desensitizing technique which SO did not work for us but made it worse. And we told her, had to interrupt the exercise and try to stabilize. That was yesterday and today I just feel a deep sadness and a feeling of ... uselessness that actually started before therapy already. All my usual hobbies seem pointless. So I started studying for the exam that I WILL do at some point (to finish the first part of my therapist-education) and that is okay, even somewhat helpful, but I can't really concentrate. Even now, typing this, I have to go back and correct a ton of mistakes.
I am just not handling this very well. My therapist and I realized that it just triggered all my alarm bells which scream DANGER that I have developed over the years of abuse in my grandmother's house. So this pervasive sense of danger is currently all I can seem to feel and I either numb it down or I try to make it go away through distractions or walking the dogs ... But it doesn't seem to want to CALM DOWN!
It's very exhausting this constant state of alertedness ... And my brain is paying the price for it - everything's unfocused, hazy and I can't seem to concentrate on much of anything today. I want to say, maybe I need to give myself a break and just relax for a bit, but I don't really know how right now. I was thinking, maybe some tea, a bath. But when I think of relaxing, I become even more activated, like it isn't "safe" to relax. I try my breathing exercises but even they cannot seem to convey to the child or children inside of me that we ARE SAFE! We are safe and we are happy-ish in our current life. We are safe and we are sound and we already survived the danger. We're not in that house anymore. I try to get that through to them. But all I see is a small child in my great-grandmother's kitchen looking out the window while constantly aware of the danger right behind her back - uncles falling drunkenly into the kitchen, pushing the great-grandmother around, pushing us around. Just this constant state of being alert to the possible danger. This is where I am stuck.
Maybe I'll try to have some tea now...
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