Musa's giggles filled the room. It was early morning, their favorite time of the day, and they were having breakfast on the family room floor.
Two days ago, Kausar and Misbah had been to a furniture store to finalize Kausar's picks. The family room had been drab and sad. Now it was perky and happy.
Red had always been her favorite color. Even as a young girl, most of her things were red or some variation of it. She had chosen red couches and had paired them with ivory white drapes. The effect was loud but not jarring. It was dramatic.
They had changed the end tables too. There was a rickety table in the center of the family room since she had arrived and even though Nasima had complained multiple times about how dirty it looked, Arshad hadn't paid attention. Kausar had changed the coffee table too. She got a matching set that had woven upholstery on top. It was a modern day ottoman and served as a coffee table also. They were a deep shade of mahogany. She had set a dainty silver platter on top to finish the look.
Around the fireplace she had put up some cheap but cute figurines and vases. There were no flowers in them but she didn't want to put artificial flowers in them. She had decided to get flowers weekly from a florist who set up shop down the street.
"Wow!" Misbah exclaimed after it had all been put into its place, "This looks like a different place".
Adeel had been lugging it all. He looked at the two women sardonically.
"My body feels like a different place too, Ami! Enough, Kausar! I can't pull anything anymore".
"Well", Kausar wouldn't be deterred, "Who will bring the paintings in? They're heavy."
"Which idiot asked you to paint massive canvases? And you framed them with wood. Did you ask me if I'd be willing to carry them from store to car and car to home?"
She smiled playfully,
"Something told me you'd feel honored".
"No such feelings", He said gruffly causing her to laugh again.
It was starting to warm up now. Birds were chirping more and there was a hum in the air that was very telling of the summer starting in North America. Spring had been uneventful. In fact, this year, spring had been boring.
Kausar had taken her test and aced it. She was a natural. Adeel had taken her to it and was impressed at how quickly she had learned.
"Next step! We need to get you out of the house everyday", He said, jubilant at her success.
"Sorry", She said, blushing at not being able to find the right words to thank him, "I don't have time to drive you around everyday".
"I meant a job. We need to get you a job".
"A job?" She laughed, "And who'd hire me? Who'd take care of Musa? Where will I get the wherewithal to actually stand in front of someone and say what I want? Did you think about any of it?"
"Some of it", He said contemplatively, "I've thought about some of it".
So now she was applying for small jobs as store assistant, daycare caregiver, personal assistant and nanny work.
Leaving Musa for a minute wasn't easy for her. In her dark and damp life, Musa was the only bright light. There were flickers of hope like Adeel, Nasima and even sometimes her Appa but overall, Musa and his love for her were the most reliable. His face lit up when he saw her. It helped that he was a gifted kid with a penchant for the arts. He could color pretty well for a young toddler and had landscaping down to a pat. When she drew pictures for him to color, he'd regularly point out flaws,
"Birds missing", He'd say, and Kausar would add birds.
"There!" She'd say, examining her work, "Happy now?"
He was critical like his father. He'd appraise it with his head cocked to the side, "More clouds".
She'd gladly add more clouds. Then he'd ask for more ducks in the pond. This game never tired her.
She had always wanted a drawing and painting buddy and Musa was perfect.
Musa was perfect in every way to her. He had curly dark brown hair that came to his eyebrows and touched the nape of his neck in the back. His eyes were of Arshad's, dark brown with lighter brown specks, but their shape was all Kausar's, round and intensely intelligent.
He was also a good partner to run errands with. Now that she could drive, nothing stopped her from promptly getting into Arshad's car as soon as he came home, Musa in tow. The mother and son roamed the stores to their heart's content throughout the week. What people normally do on weekends was what Kausar and Musa did during the week. When weekend came, they left Arshad to his own devices and retreated into their beautiful little house.
It's not so bad after all, Kausar thought with tears welling as she stroked his brown head, Musa is all I need.
Someone knocked.
Weekends were slow and lonely for this mother and son duo. They didn't know many people and didn't have the car on the weekends. Since Misbah had been here, Adeel had gotten busy on the weekends too.
She opened the door.
"You!"
He grinned at her. He was wearing the crew neck and khakis that they had bought together.
She wasn't going to miss that.
"Are you going to see the girl you're going to marry? You're wearing the outfit". She teased him.
I'm seeing that girl right now, the intensity of his gaze was hard to take.
"Well", He said as he entered and made himself again stand tall in the foyer, "Why waste a good outfit?"
It was true. The effect of a good outfit that appeared to have been put together by someone's eye for these things was apparent. He wasn't a good looking man. Just that he was very personable and it just made him hard to resist.
Even if he wasn't personable, he had started to dress better on her account. He knew Kausar noticed clothing a lot and it was now becoming a thing with him. Also, dressing up for her was its own pleasure.
"It is a good outfit", Her voice brought him back to reality, "Where's Aunty?"
"She's at her cousin's place for the weekend which means I'm all yours".
She blushed deeper than he had expected.
"I mean….." He started.
"I know what you mean", She said quietly.
"Of course you do", He walked slowly towards the family room.
Musa came running to him. Adeel picked him up and swung him around like a rag doll. He cackled loudly and looked triumphantly at Kausar.
An ache that she always felt in these moments became even more pronounced. Why wasn't he hers? Why wasn't Musa his?
"Very soon", Adeel said as Musa dangled by his neck, "You'll be out of our party. We'll have our own little trips to take. Only for boys!"
"God forbid!" She pulled a face, "I have had enough of these gendered trips to last me a lifetime. Arshad is the master of that show".
They laughed loudly.
"I'm here", Adeel said, "To take you guys somewhere fascinating. A friend of mine and his wife opened a daycare and today is a meet and greet. Musa will find many friends".
Kausar was quiet. She had counted on this blissful albeit boring life with her baby to be never-ending. Now it seemed like all of a sudden Musa had grown up to need other friends and a life outside the house. She was again left alone.
"What happened?" He asked her, aware of what might have happened.
She shook her head. Tears had clouded her eyes. It was hard to experience so much change. And all of it had been unpleasant.
"Nothing", She said, "Musa is too young for that".
"We'll be there", He said gently, "Actually you might make friends too. Don't you need friends?"
"I have friends", She said through tears, "You and Aunty".
"Even though that's an excellent collection of friends", He smiled, "I think you need some women friends. Who are your age. Who can help you with looking for a job, being more active in the community, going out, enjoying life".
After much convincing, Kausar got ready. She had been apprehensive about dressing up for a play date. What's the dress code for these things, she wondered wildly. I could easily get overdressed for it but I also need to make a good first impression.
She came down the stairs. She was wearing a light blue blouse with a silken bow in the front. And she wore one of her long flowing skirts. And really small drop earrings that would be missed completely if they didn't wink incessantly at him.
"Well", He said, clearing his throat and averting his gaze, "I think you're trying to beat us at the best looking contest".
"Musa already won it". She said, hugging and kissing her little baby.
They reached the small daycare that a Pakistani woman had just started. It was set in Hackensack and was nestled in a very cute neighborhood with large pine trees and dense foliage. The area was alive with greenery and it wasn't hard to see how this was the perfect place for kids to start and end their day.
"Wow!" She exclaimed as they entered the house where about fifty kids were already running and playing. Most of them were older toddlers. Some were kids over five years old. There was a sandbox the size of a small room in what looked like the room for the youngest ones. Many kids that were Musa's age were playing there.
"Reema!" Adeel called, "Come here! This is my friend that I wanted you to meet".
Reema was a young woman, barely older than Kausar, with a lot of kohl around her eyes and a spaghetti strap top that clung to her perfect body. She sashayed over and after shaking hands with Adeel, directed her attention to Kausar.
"Adeel talks a lot about you. Are you Arshad's wife?"
Kausar nodded. She felt so out of place. Darn Arshad, she cursed internally, I'm no good in polite company anymore.
Reema seemed to be on a mission. This was her daycare and signing up Musa as a prospective student was all that mattered today. Presently, her husband, Junaid, also came and started listening to her entire pitch about the virtues of the daycare.
Suddenly Kausar came to. Musa wasn't there.
"Where's Musa?" She asked frantically and ran towards the sandbox. She had a feeling that he'd be there.
What she saw made her stop in her tracks. She was mesmerized. Kausar had many moments of speechlessness but this one was something else.
In the center of the room sat Musa, his tiny body one with the many other kids who sat around him. There was a woman who was reading a book. She didn't seem to have the characteristic Pakistani accent that Kausar had. Even though she looked Pakistani, she had an American accent. Kausar was transfixed.
"Sorry but we don't let parents linger", Reema was by her side quickly, "Don't mind but we like for the children to stay here independently the first time they're brought here. It makes them ready for doing it by themselves in the future too".
"But", Kausar stammered, "I'm not here to leave him with you. I just came to see the daycare".
Reema narrowed her eyes.
"Adeel said….."
"I don't know what Adeel said and frankly, I don't care", Kausar said loudly. She felt anger coursing through her. How dare Adeel take the liberty of making plans for her child?
She went into the room and grabbed Musa by the arm. He got up silently. He didn't resist but he also didn't spread his arms like he always did when he saw her. He seemed conflicted. He eventually climbed in her arms.
She ran out with Musa in her arms. Adeel was chatting with Junaid by the car.
"I want to go home. Now!" She said, terse and indignant.
"What happened?" Junaid said, "Did Musa get into a fight? Did he get hurt? Where are you going?"
"I didn't come to leave Musa here with strangers", She said stiffly.
Adeel stared at her. Sometimes, her rage was incomprehensible.
"We are not strangers, sister!" Junaid said, trying to understand what might have happened, "I'm like a brother to you. Please tell me what happened."
Kausar looked at him coldly.
"You're like a brother to me? Sorry but I don't even know your name", Then she turned to Adeel, "I'll call a cab if you can't take me home. Arshad will be home soon and he doesn't like us taking long trips".
They started their drive back home.
"Wanna eat something?" He asked after ten minutes of absolute silence.
She shook her head.
"Why're you so angry?" He asked quietly.
She didn't say anything. This was the moment of truth. How much did he think he could claim of her that he was making decisions on her behalf? Men! She thought with savage fury. They all like control.
"What happened?" He asked again, "I've never seen you so angry. Did you not like that place? Musa was having a great time".
Did he think he could tell her what to do just because he taught her how to drive and shared a few phone calls with her?
"I don't get it", He said, now getting angry himself, "No good deed goes unpunished. I took you to a dear friend's trusted place. You embarrassed me. What's going on? You are always complaining of being lonely. I wanted you to make friends".
"Just drop me home and stay away from me and my son", She snarled.
He parked the car in a clearing.
Kausar was a little afraid of this now. She hadn't counted on him stopping the car. What was she doing with him here? Who was he? How much did she know him? Actually, how much did she even know Arshad? Who knew what Arshad had told Adeel? What if Adeel tried to……
"Tell me, please", He was speaking again, "I didn't do anything with any bad intention. Musa is very dear to me. What happened?"
"Why did you bring me there?"
"So you can make friends. So Musa can get out of the four walls of his home. So you can start living too".
"I'm living", She screamed, "I'm living but all of you want me to live how you would like. And I'm doing that. Except you all keep changing your minds. I'm fine! Really! You don't have to save me. No one has to save me".
He stared at her.
"I'm trying to save you?" He was aghast. "Is that what you think? That I'm trying to save you? Did you ever wonder why I'm always coming to you? I'm saving myself. I need saving. You are enough. You are complete. But I'm not. I lied to you, Kausar! I want a back alley affair with you. I want to have you, as a partner and a lover and a friend. I want something more than what we have. Not because I want to save you. But because if you and I don't get together, this whole world will cease to exist for me. I lied to you that day. I thought my magnanimity will exalt me. But it didn't. It made me pathetic. Really pathetic!"
She didn't know what to say. There was a barrage of emotions that he had unleashed with it all. So many men had taken her fancy when she was untethered to one man. Movie stars, sportsmen, models. She had always thought that sex would be enjoyable, companionship would be all that she had ever wanted. But nothing panned out like she had thought. In fact, she was a mere foot away from an extramarital affair. How did this happen?
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