I am an angry person right now ... or maybe it's truer to say that I have been an angry person for a very long time now but that it's finally caught up with me in the sense that I can actually FEEL it now. I used to hurt my body on a daily basis and was convinced I wasn't angry, didn't feel aggression. That hurting your body is an act of aggression was something that only clicked for me after years of people telling me so.
Right now I feel like I am drowning in my anger and I am wondering if this is just yet another phase of healing I have to go through or whether this is just who I am and have always been - or rather have been since the abuse started when I was just 4 or 5.
I'm okay with people around most of the time. I don't explode over EVERYTHING. But when I get overwhelmed or the outside stimuli get too intense, I do explode. I get rude, snarky, sarcastic and sometimes I get loud. I don't like doing either of those things and I don't feel in control when it happens. Which could mean it's a non-integrated headmate or it could mean I am just pushed so far beyond the edge that I lose all self-control.
But I feel like I am on edge CONSTANTLY. I try to suppress it and not get angry with people because I KNOW it's a symptom of my CPTSD and the DID and doesn't have much to do with the people around me. But when I push it down it just never goes away; it just stays there, beneath the surface, and simmers.
And it doesn't just wait for me beneath the surface when I am with people either- it also pushes and prods me when I am alone. Mostly when I lie in bed or sit around just thinking, not doing anything to keep my head busy. No matter where I start ruminating, my head will ultimately land in an angry place pretty soon and I will want to hurt myself.
The logical solution seems to be: do sports! That's what people keep telling me. Physically exert yourself until you're too tired to feel angry. I am skeptical because it's never helped in the past ... but I will give it another go.
I also ended up writing about it in my native language the day before yesterday, which also made things worse. I wanted to write a short piece about my search for my creativity and ended up describing some abuse and ranting about it and was super irritable for the rest of the day ... gah.
Going dancing used to help. I think for two reasons: the dancing itself yes, but also: Going to the club I felt like I was part of something, not just on the edge of society and on my own like usual but actually part of this group of people who knew me and liked me and talked to me. A huge part of my anger seems to have been triggered by feeling so excluded by the basketball people which I took as yet another sign that I am not part of society, that I am weird and different and not liked.
So maybe in search for some solutions for this anger I should also search for activities that make me feel included and part of something bigger. We'll see what I can come up with.
I just wish I were calmer inside. All these old self-injury urges make me frustrated - I thought I was done with those. It's been over a year since they've been this intense. I am wondering if I should try meditating again. I haven't done that in quite some time now. It's weird, thinking about it now, things that make me feel calm and like I am in control of my life, like meditating and studying and keeping the apartment clean ... they just get dropped. I/we don't do them regularly. And I am wondering why ... Maybe because there's too much anger still beneath the surface and it's mostly still self-destructive? Maybe I can learn to USE my anger and make it be CONSTRUCTIVE and PRODUCTIVE ... ?
Anyway, I think I've stumbled upon a few things here that will be useful to bring into my next therapy session. Also, I need to start checking in with my headmates again - no matter what state of integration or fusion we're in, I need to be there for myself/-selves consistently. I have learned that so long ago and yet I still find myself not facing myself all the friggin time. Just turning my head away, like that EVER made ANYTHING better! Hah!
Maybe, looking back on this post, I should make a list of things I need to do and/or think about now ... yup...
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