Do we talk enough about the end of friendships?
I had a conversation with a friend the other day about the end of friendships and how hard it is.
(funny enough it was Cam who gave me my first heart break. I'm not sure she is aware. We went through a phase in varsity where our investment in the friendship was not aligned and that was the first "break up" I had. Good thing we managed to reconcile and it has been many years of her threatening to steal me from my husband or join our union)
Any how, back to friendship break ups.
I think with romantic relationships we enter in aware that a break up may come. Yes, most of the time you may not want it to happen, but you are aware that many relationships don't work out. But with friendships we hardly think about the end. Perhaps its because you hardly have a conversation where you agree that "ok, now we are friends/ we are taking our relationship to the next level, the close friends level". You just hang out and keep hanging out with each other or in the same spaces then next thing you know you rely on each other more than other people, you love each other In a different kind of way, you support each other or place demands on each other in a way that you can't with other people…
Now when that bond ends for whatever reason, it can really be confusing and painful. Probably because most of the time there isn't always a conversation that the friendship is over, just like there was no conversation in the beginning.
I have lost some major friendships in the past couple of years, most of them without a conversation or specific thing to say this is the point where the relationship ended. And in this age of social media the reminder of the friendship is always there. Whether it's memories and pictures that randomly show up on my social feed or phone about "on this day xx years ago" or the person sharing something about their lives right now or someone mentioning them in conversation or someone asking me about them… the triggers are many and I seem to get thrown off by all of these. I honestly spiral into a mild and stable sadness with thoughts about what my role was in the ending, what I could have done better and what could have been etc.
I don't have any anecdotal conclusion on this subject. I am just out here sharing my sadness as I think about growing up and having your paths with some of your favorite people start to separate.
I have been writing this piece for a couple of weeks now. And every time I read and think about it I still feel the same sadness. Maybe one day I will write a follow up about friendships that serve their season and end with no bad blood or anything but because they are for the season and the season is done. I have lost those as well.
One thing that i did realise in my observations and reflections though, is that friendship, like romantic relationships also need work and communication. Especially as we grow up and life and adulting happens, we need to be intentional about making time and putting in the effort to maintain the relationship and not expect it to be self sustained...
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