Cait Winters posted: " The Ascension of Jesus Fruit of the Mystery: Hope & Desire for Heaven Babes in Arms, Babes in Heaven by Maria Riley There was only one thing I was sure of from a very young age: I wanted to be a mother. I scared off suitors numerous times" Motherhood Through the Mysteries
There was only one thing I was sure of from a very young age: I wanted to be a mother. I scared off suitors numerous times by the second date by mentioning my desire to be a stay-at-home mom. It was that important to me; there was no point wasting time dating someone who wasn't sure he wanted children or was more concerned with a second income than me spending my days with our future children.
I even planned to adopt children if I reached thirty without a husband. I knew that motherhood was in my future even if marriage was not. Thankfully, God brought an amazing man into my life who loved Him, me, and the idea of me staying home with our kids-to-be. My dreams were coming true.
We conceived our oldest daughter shortly after our wedding, and I was overcome with joy as she tumbled and grew within me. I anticipated the day I would finally meet my child, and when she arrived, my heart grew in a way I did not think was possible.
Just a few months later, I found out I was pregnant again. This was sooner than I expected (the due date was just 13 months after my oldest's birth), but since I always wanted a big family and kids close together, I rejoiced at another life growing inside me. Early ultrasounds were good, and I heard that melodious sound of my child's heartbeat.
When I was 15 weeks pregnant, though, I could feel something was wrong. I saw my doctor who assured me everything was fine, but that night I delivered my son in my bathroom. I wish I could say that my loss ended there, but that was not the journey I was on. I lost four more children through three additional pregnancies.
Words cannot express what I felt. For those mothers who have experienced this pain, no words are necessary⸺you know. For those mothers who have been spared this cross, no words could begin to let you understand.
I prayed Psalm 22 with Jesus as he hung on the cross, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" I felt abandoned, forsaken, desolate. I could not understand why God would continue to send me beautiful, perfect souls, whom I would love with my whole being, just for them to be called back to heaven before I got to meet them.
All the while, my deep desire for more children and a large family was unfaltering. After I suffered the second miscarriage, I looked into adoption, thinking that my old plan to adopt was the path. However, a domestic adoption would cost about $20,000 and a foreign one twice that. My husband and I could not imagine going that far into debt when we still believed that we would have more of our own biological children. I had already had one perfectly healthy child, so of course I could have more.
Instead, my heart was drawn to foster care. I thought that if I was so busy as a foster mom, when I could barely handle another child, that would be when my baby would live. I had heard countless stories of women who were told they could never have children, and as soon as they stopped trying, that was when their miracle happened. I prayed the same would happen for me. I planned to stay busy fostering while growing my family naturally. But alas, God had a different miracle in mind for me.
I prayed. I clung to hope. I lived with a faith that at times seemed unfounded. I knew I would have more children, even though my history told a different story.
maria riley
It took a year and a half to finally obtain our license to be foster parents, and just a few months after I lost the twins from my womb (my third consecutive loss), we were placed with 10-month-old twin foster children. Saying it was shocking is putting it mildly. Not only did I go from one child to three children literally overnight, but the twins were practically toddlers already! It was quite an adjustment.
After a fourth early pregnancy loss, we decided to take a pause on trying to get pregnant and let my body and soul heal from the losses. The three children in my care were keeping me quite busy, and my days were filled with playdates, playdoh, and pampers for three! Then, almost two years after we began to care for the twins we were notified that their father was close to reunifying with the girls and having his parental rights reinstated.
Reunification is always the goal of foster care, and while my heart rejoiced that the twins' father was being the man God wanted him to be, I was traumatized by the idea of returning to a quiet life with one child. So I prayed. I clung to hope. I lived with a faith that at times seemed unfounded. I knew I would have more children, even though my history told a different story.
I prayed a different prayer. Before, I had always prayed for a healthy, biological child. Now, I turned my life over to God and prayed, "If, Lord, I am unable to carry a baby to term, please, I beg of you, do not send me another child. Save me from the unbearable compounding grief of another child dying before I get to meet her."
My husband and I decided to simultaneously open our home up for another foster baby and try to conceive again, trusting that the right baby would come to us. Less than a month later we got a phone call that there was a two-month-old foster baby who needed a home, and she was most likely going to be adopted. I knew in my heart that this baby was coming straight from God. Even though we would have four kids four and under for a few months until the twins reunified with their father, I figured anyone can handle anything for a few months, right?
Shortly after that the twins' father discovered his girlfriend was pregnant and realized that he would not be able to support three kids. He had come to know us, and through tears asked me, "If I give up rights, will you adopt them, and will you let me stay in their lives?" I answered yes without hesitating, my own tears mimicking his.
I am now the proud (though sometimes exhausted) mom of four amazing daughters, who are less than four years apart. I am also the proud (though sometimes mournful) mother of five children who have preceded me to heaven. I long for the day I get to join them in paradise. Blessed are the mothers, like Mary, who have lived while their children died. What a joyful day awaits us as we pass from this world to the next!
As I lived through that difficult time, I wished that God would remove my desire for more children. Why couldn't I have been happy with just the one I had? I know now that God put the deep desire for children on my heart so I would not falter through the challenges of foster care. He knew there were three other children for me. He just had a different plan for them to arrive into my loving arms.
About Maria:Maria is a passionate Catholic writer and editor who loves volunteering when she's not writing or mom-ing with her four daughters. Her new book, Saint Joseph: The Foster Father Saint is the first book in a new Catholic children's chapter book series called Adventures with the Saints. She and her family live in Florida, where they love reading and spending time together at the beach.
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