In his book A MILLION MILES IN A THOUSAND YEARS, Donald Miller shared a story about a friend whose adolescent age daughter was making self-destructive choices, including the guy she was dating. He provided Miller a thumbnailed sketch of what they were going through. It seemed overwhelming.
Miller's response puzzled his friend. He said: "She's living a terrible story." In an attempt to help his friend understand what he meant, he provided this explanation: "The elements of a story are a character who wants something and overcomes conflict to get it."
The two talked for about an hour about the concept of having a story. Isn't it true, some stories are page turners and other stories fail to hold much interest? How would you describe your story?
One of the things I discovered from working with children from hard places is that all behavior is an attempt to get a need met. Actually, isn't that is true of all of us regardless of our age. Think about it. Isn't much of our behavior an attempt to get a need met?
A couple of months later, Miller ran into his friend, and asked about his daughter. He said she was better. He added, our family is living a better story.
He confided that after he had talked with Miller earlier, he couldn't sleep that night. He kept thinking about the story his daughter was living and insightfully ascertained that he had not been a good role model. He had not done a good job of mapping out a story for his family.
Consequently, his daughter had chosen a different story. "In the absence of a family story, she'd chosen a story in which there was risk and adventure, rebellion and independence. He added: "She was not a bad girl. She was just choosing the best story available to her."
So, what changed? The friend decided to stop yelling at his daughter and instead created a better story to invite her into. He remembered that a story involves a character that wants something and overcomes conflict to get it.
My question is this: "Are there things we could do to change our story?" In fact, when it comes to family system issues, are there things we could do differently to orchestrate a different outcome?
Whether it is our family of origin, the family in which we now belong, the surrogate family we've selected (after all, fate makes family/choice makes friends), do we recognize the need for change? What could we do differently to change our story?
Family conflict is an oxymoron. Family and conflict merged together represent a contradiction. Do we simply accept the status quo, "It is what it is," or do we need to create a better story in which to invite others?
The General was once standing in line behind a lady at the post office. It was long after Christmas. The lady had a large box in her hands. The box looked worse for wear.
The lady laid out her story to the person behind the counter. "I need your help. This package was just returned to me as undeliverable. I mailed it to family members in Buda (25 to 30 miles away) six weeks ago. It was for Christmas. For the last six weeks, I've been furious because they were not even thoughtful enough to acknowledge receipt of the package and thank me.
Seriously??? Life doesn't have to be as difficult as we make it. In case you're wondering, misery may love company, but the outcome is still misery.
Isn't it true that we all want to be loved and valued? Why can't we just provide that frame of reference for others? In the process, we may become the recipient of what we most want.
When you find that you want a different outcome, ask yourself: "What can I do to create a better story?
All My Best!
Don
No comments:
Post a Comment