I'm turning 32 in a couple days, and birthdays always make me feel nostalgic and existential. And so for the hundredth time in my life, I caught myself thinking about my very early Saturn Return (or what felt like it). I realized I never actually dared to write the experience down before, so here we finally go.
It must have been somewhere around my 26th birthday, because it was fall and we lived in the little house in my parents garden for a little while, because we were in between moving houses. I was walking from my parents house to our little stay, and suddenly I stopped and looked around at the very beautiful, but not as beautiful as in summer, garden. And suddenly I had this very overwhelming sense of beauty and thinks falling into place. Like I could finally see the plants in the garden for what they really were - beautiful, magical creatures of the sacred universe.
But I did not only see the plants - in them I saw the interconnectedness of the plants with the whole earth, and of the earth with the whole universe, and all there is (including myself). I saw the plants as they always were, but suddenly realized that what they always were (what I always was, what the universe has always been) really, really special and magical. I instantly fell in love with life itself.
I sensed that somehow a lot of information was downloaded at that moment in my brain. I had all these new insights that I had to unpack - and I did in the couple months and years after - that in the moment still felt like a .zip package. But there were some things I instantly knew:
The way I always felt that 'there was more' was true
The few but very smart religious people who tried to teach me about life and the soul were right
And the feeling that somehow nature & the universe where on my side were justified
And with that sudden wisdom, two very paradoxal emotions overwhelmed me in that moment (remember, I was still standing still in the garden my myself. I think the whole moment lasted maybe a minute). The first feeling was that of being overjoyed and excited. I suddenly had all these butterflies and excitement about my future, because with this knowledge, everything could finally be fun, and good, and magical. And not only was I excited about my future, I was also exited about my past. To look at my whole life through this new lens, and to keep unpacking, downloading and learning new exiting stuff. It felt like I had always secretly known that life was a party, but now I was finally invited to it - and able to experience the whole party from the inside.
The second feeling was one of calmness. Of 'I told you so'. A type of acknowledgement. Like I could finally see things for what they were, and stop fighting against something they clearly weren't. It was like I had carried the whole world upon my shoulders and suddenly someone was carrying me. Like from that moment I didn't need my legs anymore. Not only could I let go of the weight of the whole world and all my struggles, I could also let go of my own weight. I didn't even have to carry myself anymore and that made for an instant sense of peace and familiarity.
I have never been able to figure out whether this was my actual Saturn Return, or something just like it - maybe one of my first spiritual experiences. But is has changed my worldview enough to actually look forward with excitement and ready for a similar experience around my mid 50s.
xxx
No comments:
Post a Comment