But Aren't We All?
"Language matters. It's the raw material of story, it changes how we feel about ourselves and others, and it's a portal to connection." Brene Brown
I spent the morning with my sister Nancy, slipping in an hour together before she had to head off to work and slopping down several cups of coffee.
It's our favorite morning activity during the week. Nancy not only grounds me, but she activates my sense of belonging, and I'll admit this to you, she is like a booster shot for one's self-esteem, but she doesn't leave me with a sore arm.
We spent the first half hour rearranging her living room in our heads, buying imaginary couches we couldn't afford, and getting rid of old furniture well past their expiration date. Well, almost. She suggested we slide one of the exhausted-looking chairs down the hall and stash it in the guest room because of its nostalgic value.
I'm like, "Take a picture of the damn chair and frame it," but apparently, the chair in question has unframeable elements, and my suggestion was actually scoffed at.
She says, "I'll remember that when you're expiration is up."
"Please don't drag me down the hall to decompose in your guest room."
"It's all about preservation."
"If this is about my skincare routine, I'm telling you right now, I have bigger issues to deal with."
Then we tossed around my new findings on relationships (topic jumping is our specialty) that I'm learning about from Brene Brown's book, Atlas of the Heart, recommended by fellow blogger, Crystal Byers.
Brene says, "Connection is the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment, and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship."
I hate to admit it, but I've spent a good portion of my life basing my inherent value on verbal and non-verbal clues that I've garnered from others.
You know what I mean? Did they make eye contact with me or stare out the window while I was pontificating on some life-changing theology? Was that a smile or grimace when I walked into the room? Did that seem like a bitchy response, or did I misinterpret something? Or, the most confusing, was there an undertone to that text?
Does anyone else berate themselves with these sorts of questions?
Probably not, because this happens when someone fails to understand their inherent value is not up for debate. It is not a popularity contest. It is not based on the effectiveness of my deodorant, the size of my jeans, or how many books I sold last week.
According to Brene Brown, we deserve to be valued and respected, and even better, we might be imperfect, but we are worthy of love and belonging. She says, "True belonging doesn't require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are." Booyah!
Have you ever met someone who can literally suck the joy out of the room as if a Dyson Vacuum? The kind of person who is always scanning for dirt, they stir shit up for absolutely no reason, and they're not quiet about it.
Well-adjusted people seem to understand that conflict is not a competition to be won or lost, it seeks resolution, and they are not afraid of things like compromise, forgiveness, and grace.
Maladjusted people, not so much (no, I'm not talking about myself in the third person), and because their argument is usually hogwash, they'll try and distract you with insults.
I discovered a long time ago that I am what you call a conflict-avoider, even if it means not coming to my own defense or entering into courageous conversations when I've been hurt, unfairly judged, or swindled out of the last Oreo cookie. Put me in a room with an aggressive, controlling person who uses intimidation to manipulate the conversation, and I completely shut down as if a turtle. I tuck it in and blend with the landscape.
Sometimes I forget to come out of my shell. Imagine?
Brene says the more you sense the rareness and value of your own life, the more you realize how to manifest it, how to use it, and how this has been your responsibility all along.
Wait, I thought we were blaming everything on our parents?
So when I heard about the Gray Rock Method from Peaceful Barb, it hit me in the head, well, like a rock. I think Brene would be appalled, but it fits really well with my turtling.
The Gray Rock Method is simple. When you are in the presence of a difficult individual, you act like a gray rock. You don't talk about anything but the weather because any information you give them gets filed away and, eventually, used against you. They choreograph their own reality, and before you know it, you're the lead villain in their drama.
I've heard that we are the combination of the five people we spend the most time with. So figure out who brings out the best in you, who emulates qualities that you find attractive, and who obviously knows how to play pickleball.
I've been streamlining my focus this year (okay, it's only three weeks into the year, but it's a start). I'm gravitating toward people who have discovered communion in bouts of shared laughter and a pot of fresh coffee. People who harbor a humility that never expires and are willing to drag me down the hall of life just to preserve our imperfect relationship.
Yes, it's a tiny group, Nancy is a founding member, but I'm kicking ass and taking names.
Of course, Nancy and I played rock, paper, scissors to see whose house we'd meet at next. I play the rock. She plays the paper. And that's a wrap.
Life is short. We lost precious time dealing with COVID-19, and although we may never pass that way again, for the love of Pete, keep forming your bubble. Fill it with music and laughter, the comforts of home, good food, expired furniture, and the warm glow of people you love.
I'm Living in the Gap, consider this is our WP bubble, and I'd be tickled pink if you joined me in the comments.
Check out how I've been stumbling through life, trying to emulate Brene, I've messed up, repeatedly, but this is how we, Grow, Damn It!
No comments:
Post a Comment