It's been a weird few weeks leading up to the holiday season this year, and the reappearance of ghosts from the past did the opposite of setting the holiday season in motion. In many cases, it left a cloud over everything, and an undercurrent of frustration. It was not the way I wanted the holiday to kick off. It did, however, prompt me to do a lot of thinking about people, relationships, expectations, and honesty.
What this ultimately led to was me thinking through the differences between being nice and being kind. A while back I read this internet meme about how people on the West coast are nice but not kind, but people on the East coast are kind but not nice. The example that was given was that if you are on the side of the road with a flat tire, someone who is nice but not kind might stop and say "Oh wow, that is so unfortunate! So sorry your car got a flat, that's so stressful!" but then they won't actually do anything to help you. They might offer a cell phone to call roadside assistance but then they'll just drive away. As a contrast, someone who is kind but not nice would pull off to the side of the road and say "What a mess you've made for yourself not having roadside assistance! I can't believe you don't know how to change a tire, that's driving 101, learn to change your tire!" but then they will start unpacking the back of your car, jack it up, change the tire for you and then send you on your way with a quip about how you better not go driving again without learning to change a tire. In the end, the difference is the actions people take, not the words they say.
I think I fall squarely into the "Kind, not nice" bucket, which is kind of a weird place to be, because it gives me this reputation of being a real bitch while at the same time the reality is that I'd be the first person to drop everything if someone called and said they needed help. But no one who is meeting me for the first, or even the tenth time, is going to put me into that "What a nice person" category. That goes to the people who smile a lot, who make all the right small talk, who say things like "Give me a call if you ever need anything" while also knowing full well that they do not want anyone to call and would probably not do much if someone did call. On the surface they're so nice but the actions don't always match up to that surface persona. And yet, those are the people who get chosen time and again by strangers, by friends, by the world. And I get it. Who doesn't want the nice person?
But sometimes, if I'm being honest, I wish that authenticity would win out over niceness. I wish that the little bit of extra work needed to get to know the person who is kind but not initially nice was something others were willing to do, because it would make the world easier to navigate for someone like me. I also wish that there was more appreciation for those of us who are up front, honest (without being cruel or unkind), direct, and deeply kind to those who choose us. Because sometimes niceness doesn't go deeper than that, and when the chips are down and life gets real, the nice people don't show up. The kind people, though, they're at your door before you even need to ask.
And, honestly, I'm a bit exhausted with the "nice" people of the world.
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