Who we are, after all the social roles had been, stripped off, when we're no longer, mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, husbands, wives, workers, bosses, etc., etc., etc., do we, have an, idea??? Translated…
I got into the novels, the movies, the histories and biographies of the World War II era these past few years, found that there were the written records, of images on file, of the dictators and the, heroes, but, on the intelligence agents, there's, not enough data. Perhaps, it's their work, that required them to declassify themselves, to become, ordinary, to blend into the population they're, in, they'd become, a group without the faces, nor the, names in history, the more stories I'd read of them, the more I'd begun, doubting, if those I meet, are hiding something about themselves from, their, external environments.
things that defined us into, who we, are...illustration from online
My suspicions wasn't just from reading too many spy novels and watching the spy movies, but from that mysterious incident a year, ago. There was, that male coworker from the cubicle over, the always dressed in a huge wind coat, always looked droopy in his eyes, from the lack of sleep, and used the uncle ways to speak, looked like a police that came out of those, Japanese detective soap operas. During one lunch break, as I was out of the office, I saw him walking alone, he looked, suspicious to me. Our company was in Wanhwa, close to our office, was the traditional redlight district, I'd thought, maybe, I'm, walking into a drug deal of his, or him, having an, affair? As I'd thought, I got more and more, excited, decided I'd, follow him to see what he was, up to, and yet, after a few blocks, he'd, flagged down a cab, hopped in, and ridden off.
I'd also, flagged down another cab too, unfortunately, this is, reality, and not the mystery shows, as I caught up to that second cab, the first was, already, gone. My first failure on a, stakeout, clearly, I lacked the talents of an, intelligence, agent. Walked back to the office, and he looked like he'd, never, left, just, sitting at his desk, it'd made me angrier, and ever since I'd, zoomed in on, him, to see when he will, slip.
the looking glass self...from online
And yet, my prayers, never came true. A few years later, I'd gotten, a little more acquainted with him, and admitted to him what I'd done, asked if he knew I was, tailing him, and what he was, doing. And, just like the detectives in the Japanese soap, he'd neither admitted, nor denied, unsurprised, like I didn't say a thing to him just now.
Because this was, such a, huge defeat to me, I'd, stopped believing, that people are what they presented themselves to the outside world as. And, there were, tons of people who'd not, busted my, expectations either, those who looked high and mighty, after they'd quit the job, the debt collectors came calling in the office. The one who's most popular, scammed for money using sex, and got the face plastered across the cover page of the tabloids. And of course, there are, the more positive cases, that made my prejudice shifted too. Like in a cosplay, a coser said hi to me, I'd found the voice familiar, but, couldn't recognize the face, turned out, that coworker who always had that serious means about him at work, gone to all the cosplay events across the island, and he was, a famed coser too in his realm.
There's the belief, of if you can't play your roles, then, you wouldn't be doing your jobs. But, if after work, you're still, stuck in the roles of work, then, wouldn't it be not doing right for the you that's, away from work too? If life is, about transitioning from one role to the next, then, where do we, find our, real, selves?
So, this is on what you see is NOT what you get of all the people you know, because, there's always, that private side of ourselves, that we don't show to anyone else, we wear all our, social masks, and sometimes, we get too deep into the roles that we play, we started, identifying our own selves with those roles we take up, like employee, boss, friends, mother/father, son/daughter, but those roles are, social, and if we get too lost in those roles we're playing out in the world, then, we will, lose ESSENCE of who we are, and when we sit in front of that mirror, there's, NOT even that face that stares, back at, us, because, there's, NO more of the individuation of who we, are.
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