I have a running joke with my Dad whenever either of us visits a stately home, castle or other historic attraction. We will try and find the toilet (often given the age of the buildings a more primitive affair than we would tolerate today) and get a picture of it to send to each other. I cannot for the life of me remember how this started, but as we send the pictures on our family group chat, it tends to lead to groans and moans from other members of the group, especially the wife!
At the weekend I visited East Riddlesden Hall near Keighley. It was almost by accident I found the dunny (despite neither of us being from Australia or New Zealand we tend to use the slang name popular there). Walking past what looked like a nondescript outbuilding, I popped my head through the open door and discovered a rather drafty pair of latrines. Of course I had to snap a picture and get it sent to my Dad (and the wider family). His response on this occasion: 😜.
Back home, and I realised over the couple of years we have been doing this I must have amassed a decent collection of toilet photos. Up until now, other than amusing my dad and bemusing the rest of the family, I have not done much with them. So, I thought I would share some of the best with you good people, along with a brief review of the facilities of course.
Before I continue, I should make it clear I have not actually test-run the facilities reviewed here. Any comments I have given below are purely of an observational nature. With that being said, I have three main criteria for judging the quality of an historic toilet; privacy, comfort, and probably most important of all, cleanliness. From that, I have given each offering a poo rating (…) out of five. If you find yourself at one of these venues and caught short, knowing what facilities are available might just save your dignity.
Clearly this post is a little bit of fun. For many people around the world access, or lack thereof, to a toilet can be no laughing matter. If you enjoy what you read here and are able, please consider visiting one of these charities who are working to bring clean loos to those who need them: Wateraid, Tearfund or the World Toilet Organisation.
It seems only fair to start with the toilet which inspired this post. Tucked out of the way in a mostly warm and dry brick outhouse, the facilities do well in the cleanliness and comfort stakes. It is privacy where they fall down, though before the invention of social media you might have appreciated the pooing companion to while away the time.
Jamie's Craptastic Rating: 💩💩💩💩
Our next toilet is an indoor option. With the addition of a bath and antique wheelchair, the facilities on offer are much more comfortable. On paper, it should tick all the boxes for my review and gain itself the full five poos, but I do feel disappointed you do not get to enjoy the invigorating windchill from the outdoor outhouse.
Jamie's Craptastic Rating: 💩💩💩1/2
Strictly speaking, the Abbey House latrines are not real. They are replicas built in a mock Victoria street, but with such fine examples of slum latrines I could not help but include them. Lost points for privacy all around here. Not only do you have a poomate, but you seem to be in full view of the street. Certainly not an option for anyone who gets performance anxiety…
Jamie's Craptastic Rating: 💩💩
There is a chance toilet number 4 is a fake as well, but let's just pretend it is real. Located in the folly to end all follies, privacy is much improved, while cleanliness is lacking here (look at the dust!). Comfier than pooing in the street I am sure, it is still a far cry from perfect.
Jamie's Craptastic Rating: 💩💩💩
This next choice was discovered in the grounds of a holiday rental my wife's family booked in 2022. Grim does not even begin to describe it (the hole was originally covered with a bucket and as I removed it I was astonished to find nothing living underneath). The toilet manages to pull back half a point for the toilet paper (a rare but welcome sight) but has few other redeeming features. Oh and should you choose to rent the house yourself, the toilet choices inside are, while cleaner, still interesting…
Jamie's Craptastic Rating: 💩1/2
Easily the winner for the longest drop in this list. Set amongst the battlements of the castle, it is far from practical if you are caught short, but in the event of a siege, the defenders could well engage in a little biological warfare alongside the traditional arrows and boiling pitch.
Jamie's Craptastic Rating: 💩💩💩
I couldn't write this review without including an offering from my Dad. I believe this is from the Cutty Sark, a tea clipper moored in London. I have two clues, the photo was sent to me on the day my parents went to visit the ship, and the big Head written on the glass front to the toilet being the nautical word for the toilet. Just call me Sherlock Holmes!
I have never been to the Cutty Sark so have nothing but this photo to judge the facilities on. Clearly cleanliness is high here, and privacy seems good, but it does seem to lack a bit of soul.
Jamie's Craptastic Rating: 💩💩💩💩
An honourable mention to finish the post off. The toilet available in the Bloomfield Square cafe is your standard modern, hygienic option. It just so happens to be twinned with a latrine in Uganda and was the first time I discovered toilet twinning to be a thing. Well done to the guys at Bloomfield Cafe, make sure to check them out if you happen to be passing by, not only are the toilets excellent, but the cakes are delicious as well.
Jamie's Craptastic Rating: 💩💩💩💩💩
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