"A good marriage is one of the factors strongly associated with happiness. Happy people find it easier to get and stay married than unhappy people do, because happy people make better dates and easier spouses. But marriage itself bring happiness, because it provides the support and companionship that everyone needs."
~ Gretchen Rubin
A happy and healthy marriage is a big indicator of personal happiness. The choice of spouse, the values you believe, and the tackling of everyday issues all factor in to a successful and happy marriage.
Quit Nagging
Nagging has always been my waterloo. As someone who always wants certain things done a certain way, I was keen on establishing ground rules for both my spouse and daughter. I am always irked when I have to constantly remind and repeat myself. I understand now that these things are not taken seriously because they do not believe in them and that they do it only to appease my anger. I have to make "nagging" more effective for us to lessen our unhappiness, by making conscious choices of what to remind and what to let go, and to be conscious about the choice of words and the number of words I use when I nag, err, remind my spouse.
Don't Expect Praise or Appreciation
My love language is Words of Appreciation, which is why words of praise and appreciation are important to me. My spouse is different as his is Physical Touch, so he in not too keen in doling out praises of support or acknowledgment or thanks. This often racks up more points in my annoyance meter. I have to realize now that doing things my way may not necessarily be liked and appreciated, so I have to reel in my expectations for praise down a notch. I have to learn: to do things because I like to do things, not because I want to be praised.
Fight Right
During our VDay Weekend, we were late for our spa and was advised therefore that treatment will be shortened. I know that I wanted to manage and ensure our happiness that day so I opted to find another spa venue, even if I planned and paid for these weeks in advance. Choosing to let go of unimportant concerns and not let the little things mar our day helps to create happy memories for our marriage.
Fighting about mundane, small things may also not be productive, so we have to be conscious about looking for solutions as next steps, not in washing off accountabilities and victim blaming.
No Dumping
My day is always stressful and busy. And sometimes I need drinks and a sounding board to unwind. Sometimes I am not in the mood to detail everything as I just want to relax and forget. More often than not, I have to learn how to strike a balance between sharing my life and not complaining about my work woes. The work dump has to be strengthen our bond and not be a source of annoyance. Still a work in progress.
Give Proofs of Love
I have always liked planning for our outings. I enjoy planning our next out of town trip or what we will eat in the mall or which new place we can go to. More than for the family, I have to plan more dates for the two of us rather than just family trips. This will strengthen our marriage as we create more memories for us as spouses, rather than just parents.
New Concepts Learned:
"Unconcsious Overclaiming" - phenomenon in which we unconsciously overestimate our contributions or skills relative to other people
"Fighting Style" - how a couple fights matters more than how much they fight
"It takes at least five positive marital actions to offset one critical or destructive action"
"What you do every day matters more than what you do once in a while"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My marriage definitely needed (and still needs) a lot of work, and towards the end of the month I found myself gravitating to my old habits. These added more to the guilt building up on how I perceived marriage as a source of happiness, or unhappiness in my case. It would take a lot of effort on my part to be more proactive than reactive, and to be conscious of the way I fight and use my words, most especially when high in emotion.
Happiness and unhappiness does not solely rely on your spouse giving it to me; the unhappiness stems from unmet expectations. But I cannot expect my spouse to change, because I married him just as he is. I cannot expect him to change, nor to make me happy; I am the only one who can make myself happy. The sooner I can accept this, the sooner my resentments can go away.
I'm a fan of that sage saying: I choose to marry and love you everyday. Being happily married is a state that is easily said than done. It's always a choice to love your spouse despite and because of, everyday.
No comments:
Post a Comment