conniesedona317 posted: " For the past few years, with Valentine's Day approaching, I've written blog posts that featured my parents' courtship as expressed in their letters. I am the holder of this family treasure of a box of their correspondence from the mid-1940s until they we" Connie Rosser Riddle
For the past few years, with Valentine's Day approaching, I've written blog posts that featured my parents' courtship as expressed in their letters. I am the holder of this family treasure of a box of their correspondence from the mid-1940s until they were married in 1950. I've read many of them, partly as a daughter, partly like an investigative journalist--looking for the clues to how their relationship started out.
Since I've read them as a single woman over the past few years, I've also looked for characteristics that are known to build relationships. In the post Emotional Openness: What They Had, I realized that Daddy was romantic and expressive with Mama about his true feelings for her; he didn't hold back. That quality of Emotional Openess is one the relationship psychologist, Dr. Barbara De Angelis noted in her book, Are You theOne for Me? Pondering her words, I realized that what I wanted in a man, I needed to also be willing to give--just like the other traits she listed. Being emotionally open--in any relationship, means taking risks.
This year when I pulled out the box of letters, and looked at the old photographs, what struck me was what a different era Mama and Daddy lived in. Things were much simpler then, as they were when I was a teen, before social media, dating apps, and overwhelming resources for "finding the right one." Mama and Daddy met, like many couples in the forties, through their community in WWII. Daddy's sister, Polly worked at Pope Air Field with Mama--both civil servants. Polly took Mama home with her and that's when she met Daddy. While Mama had been dating another man in uniform, eventually Daddy won out. Mama didn't go home and check her dating apps to compare Daddy to the other profiles--sizing up if he was the best choice. She chose him from their in-person, real time experience.
Meeting guys in person--through living in the same community or via introductions from family and friends, was a simpler way of dating. There were limited possibilities---and we didn't even know it. That's how it was in our twenties. but fast forward to our sixties and it's quite a different world to navigate as a single person. I've had many conversations with women and men over the past few years about how they've experienced dating. Some folks have decided it's not worth the effort, others can't risk another heartbreak, some are too overwhelmed to get back out there in the new dating world.
Several men have told me that many women they've asked have turned them down, saying they didn't want to date. They've told me it's harder for men--and that surprised me. I'd felt, since I was a young woman, that dating was in the guy's favor. Reading an excellent article "Why is Dating So Hard" by Khoi Nguyen he agrees with that statement:
"Finding a relationship is not easy, especially if you're a man – women are usually pickier than men, which is why they do one swipe right for every thirty swipes left."
Our society has gotten more complex. We've been afforded so many choices in every area that we often become overwhelmed.
"In his book The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less, Schwartz suggests that learning to choose well is hard as it is, but learning to choose well in a world of unlimited possibilities is perhaps too hard: you swipe on Tinder for hours, perplexed at the amount of potential romantic partners."
Going through all those dating app choices, along with in-person opportunities, can create an illusion of the perfect one out there in a sea of possibilities. All those choices can create an impossible lists of must-have characteristics that are touted by online dating coaches, relationship experts, and others trying to get in the game-- the business of helping people obtain love.
I find it interesting what Nguyen says about the impact of all these choices and the relationship to perfectionism---something I've tried to work on in my life:
"The paradox of choice can lead to a freeze response – you simply don't go on any date because you feel overwhelmed – or even to perfectionism. After all, why would you settle down for someone imperfect when there are so many options out there?"
Late in the article, a more reasonable expectation is offered: find the one with 80% of what you want and let go of the remaining 20%. Like relationship coaches, Nguyen makes a point of not counting on your romantic partner meeting all your needs--to have other resources in your life.
I think one of the best pieces of advice from the article is this:
"Empty Out Your Sea" --all those many choices that leave you unable to focus, always looking for the next best thing. While yes, sometimes when a relationship doesn't work out, it's helpful--in some ways to respond, "there are plenty of other fish in the sea." But in Nguyen's example, it's not being able to settle in and see the good in the fish in front of you because you're too distracted by the sea.
"Look, there will always be other fish in the sea. The point is to find someone you love and get along with, commit to them, and choose them every single day."
This is making a decision and sticking to a choice-- a simple choice versus being dazed by too many choices. It acknowledges that relationships are always about work and commitment to staying together. And that part is the same as Mama and Daddy faced back in their day.
They were in a committed relationship, and each day they chose the other, and accepted that 80%, each one having imperfections, flaws, dissimilar interest. Their relationship was a choice that directed their behaviors to make it work. It lead to respect, emotional honesty, affection, ongoing communication, and genuine care for each other. Those are the same things that are required these new days to make a relationship last.
When I go back and look at their letters, I'm always amazed at the tenderness expressed. And I'm especially amazed at Mama, for her lipstick kisses that covered the pages. There was no looking on her phone for emojis of lips; she took a greater risk with placing those kisses on the letter to the man she loved. It brings a smile to me, considering all these years later my "mushy" parents! 🙂
As we approach Valentine's Day this week, I wish you the best in your relationships--whether they've been for years, or are just getting started. May we all look for the good, and let go of perfectionism and the clatter of too many choices threatening to overwhelm us.
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