I did not choose my two, faithful companions. They moved in shortly after I completed my chemotherapy, many years ago, and they very rarely leave my side….or, should I say, my "insides?
I've gotten really used to having them around, but I'm usually pretty annoyed by them. They are my bothersome roommates that I cannot get rid of. Mr. Dizziness I'm pretty used to. I've worked out a livable balance with him….although, balance might not be the best word use there. I lose my balance often, especially when I have to lean down to look for something on a lower shelf (which happens often when shopping. I stand up and…whoa! I'm on a carousel, just standing there on the outer edge with nothing to hold on to as it swirls round and round counter-clockwise, while my brain spins the other direction.)
Little Miss Anxiety likes to sneak up on me when I am least expecting her. I'll just be sitting in my recliner in the evening, playing solitaire on my iPad, and, the next thing I know. I start to feel the tingly flow of adrenalin through my chest. It often turns into a raging torrent, with howling winds and crashing seas, all taking place there in my chest, as I try to calm the storm, by taking deep breaths and praying a rosary.
One of my daughters mentioned today that I should avoid caffeine… oops. My morning cup of tea is always my favorite way to start the day. I never even thought of the caffeine aggravating the anxiety. My morning tea and my one daily square of chocolate. Anxiety has taken over the whole "guest bedroom" and kicked out my beloved friends! At least Dizziness lets me indulge in my little delights without complaint! And also, good thing it's Lent! I can give up my favorite indulgences for TWO "good causes!"
It has also been suggested to me that daily walks are not a good thing right now. Apparently, "broken" bodies need rest to heal, more than they need exercise. Rest (and leisurely strolls) are not things I'm good at. I am know for my VERY fast walking pace, but I guess that now I will need to master a more leisurely pace for this stage in my life. I'll still go out for walks in our immediate neighborhood, but they will be shorter and slower-paced.
As if those two troublemakers (Mr. Dizziness and Miss anxiety) were not enough, when they get busy, bugging me, the brain fog ramps up, too. I can go long stretches being mostly useless, which is difficult for me to endure. Lenten suffering wins again! And, honestly, I'm not complaining. I consider this blogging more like writing in a diary to help me sort through it, and to poke fun at myself at the same time. And, speaking of my blog, yesterday I figured out how to mess up in a way I never have before, by sending a "blog link" before I clicked the "Update" button after doing an edit. My followers got in a log jam, trying to access my blog (and it was a GOOD story!) Readers were being asked to log in, being told they were not authorized to edit. I am the queen of dumb mistakes right now, so please forgive me for that. The problem has been fixed, so today you can just scroll down to yesterday's post, and read it, no problem!
At any rate, if this blog allows me to offer healing and solace to someone, by way of encouragement in their faith, or with hints for better health, I will be blessed and grateful to God. I share my thoughts, sufferings, accomplishments, improvements, and stories, knowing that God is in control, and that I am never promised another day, or even another moment, here on earth, and what God is truly doing is forming my heart for my eternal salvation. So, I will walk each moment with the Holy Spirit, calling upon God the Father to hold me close and be patient with me, while putting all of my trust in Jesus Christ, the King of mercy, to use this time of suffering in my life for whatever purpose The Holy Trinity asks of me. And I also pray that God continues to care for my husband and me, and to provide for us, as I step back from being "bread-winner" for our family.
My recliner and my "therapy cats" are my new companions, and surrender is my new MOA.
Thank you for reading!
No comments:
Post a Comment