That title is something that an impatient person does not like to hear. Especially when dealing with health issues. But a wise and kind friend just reminded me of that. Healing from illness is pretty much like a faith journey. Often in my faith life I make mistakes, I hurt people (especially those closest to me). Or, I get lazy and go a couple of months in between visits to the confessional. With illness and extreme fatigue, along with a heavy work schedule, it's been really hard for me to just get through each week, let alone find time and energy to get to Adoration, or go to daily Mass more regularly. I'm really hoping that a little bit of healing and a lot more free time will see me doing those kinds of things, to help me grow in my faith. Of course, my job incorporated acts of kindness and mercy nearly every day, and now I will get those opportunities only rarely, if at all. But, for now, I can't dwell on the losses, but only look forward to the gains. God is calling me down a new path. He's probably been calling for a long time, but I was ignoring Him. God knows how to get our attention, by knocking the wind out of us, one way or another!
Yesterday was a fairly good day for me (except the part about making a poor decision about something I wrote on my blog. Thankfully, the mistake was righted pretty quickly, post greatly shortened and I have been forgiven, but, yeah…having serious brain fog really affects my thinking, so I'll be very glad when that starts to fade (and I sure as heck hope it does, but I just read on a few websites….so it has to be true, right?, that brain fog can be one of the chemotherapy side-effects that never goes away.) I'm thinking that means I have way less brain cells than I used to. I mean, I homeschooled my children, for crying out loud. I was the leader of a scout troop and planned amazing events, including being in charge of our spring Camporee, with hundreds of people in attendance, and amazing activities at various stations, all built upon a common theme. I had to organize each groups travel, brainstorm ideas for badge-related work at each station, and somehow my brain could handle all of that….thrived on it, even! But not anymore. These past several months, I was getting confused and stressed by my work schedule. I never knew what day of the week it was, until I looked at my iPad, and I was always afraid that I was going to miss a shift. And if I had to wake up earlier that 9:00 in the morning, my nervous system went into meltdown. I'm just a totally different person than I was pre-cancer/pre-chemo, and it's very frustrating. But still it's all in God's Will for my life. I have to trust in that, and know that beautiful things will come from this suffering if I just trust in my merciful Father.
Getting back to yesterday, and the good things that happened (well, mostly good) I went for one of my really long walks in the neighborhood. I have a really long course that I follow, with extra loops and cul-de-sacs added on, but I have to start out on a fairly busy road with no sidewalks to get to the where the sidewalks start so then I'm safe for the rest of the way. But it was already 70° early in the day, and I nearly conked out when I was finally getting close to home, started feeling very dizzy and overheated, but I didn't call my husband to come pick me up. I convinced myself to stumble on, finally made it home, and collapsed in my recliner. But it felt good to get my body moving. And it felt good to push myself, and conquer my uncooperative body. Our bodies are made to be on the move, and I've done A LOT of sitting the past several years, as a caregiver, so I need to get back in the groove of regular walks. I actually went out again today, with a slightly shorter walk, a different route but still finding extra loops to add on, so all, in all, a good start to this component of my healing journey. And, I'm already sleeping much better!
As I sit here after my walk, getting some cat snuggle therapy, I'm thinking to myself that I am on the right track. I'm eating healthier foods, I'm making good choices which (with a strong dose of willpower, will lead to my recovery. I'm on the right track, and praying daily for the guidance of The Holy Spirit. Can't do any better than that!
(photo below of my post-cancer, (practically bald) head! I look like my oldest nephew, Joe! 😂
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