I stepped inside, leaving my phone and gadgets on the porch. With the air conditioning turned off, the temperature was just perfect—neither too hot nor too cold, with just the right amount of humidity. I laid on my bed, gazing at the ceiling, and asked myself, "Okay, let's contemplate as the world around you goes silent for this whole day. Find clarity, as Gije said. What did you learn from last year?" I mentally made a list until I drifted off to sleep, this proven how badly I needed a good rest without the construction noise.
Last year was special for me as I began to rediscover myself amidst the wreckage of the year before. It was a time when things were incredibly tough. I had to make quick decisions due to a family emergency, which I'll explain in my upcoming book, Unsettled. I was stuck in an emotional turmoil, often getting angry at everything, most of the time to my own self. I blamed myself for things that hadn't even happened, or for mistakes I made, for goodbyes because I didn't try hard enough. I was hard on everyone around me too, expecting them to understand my pain without me having to express it. It got so bad that I even considered giving up on life altogether, thinking it might be better for everyone if I simply disappeared. And yes you are so right, it was a messed up depression. But that's a brief summary of how I felt two years ago.
However, last year, I noticed something different about myself. I found myself feeling calmer in disappointing moments. While I'm not perfect, I realized I had improved from the year before, despite everything I prayed wouldn't happen, actually happening. It surprised even me.
During my last vacation in November, I faced the possibility of missing my flight from Osaka to Ho Chi Minh. Usually, I'd get really upset about such things, but this time, I surprised myself. Even though it was partly my fault and partly the fault of the airport, I stayed calm and focused on finding a solution. I ended up staying an extra day in Japan, which cost me more for a hotel room. But after negotiating with the airline, they compensated me, and I got a cheap flight for the next day.
My friend was furious about the whole situation, but I couldn't understand why I remained calm. Then I realized that getting angry wouldn't change anything. I was disappointed, sure, but being mad wouldn't stop the plane from taking off, with me still stuck in line close to the exit door.
Similarly, when I found out that the guy I had been dating, who had even proposed to me, was getting engaged to someone else on the next island he visited alone while we were still together, I didn't feel sad or upset. Instead, I felt relieved that he hadn't chosen to be with me. It became clear to me that I deserved better than someone who kept changing his mind in the blink of an eye and running away when things got tough. When I saw a picture of him and his new fiancée a couple of weeks after our breakup, I couldn't help but feel that they were a better match. I'm sure that's what's suitable for him. I just hope he won't change his mind again down the line when it's too late for her to save herself. It made me realize that although his actions weren't admirable, I wasn't bothered by them. I guess I used to be attracted to him because I wanted a man in my life, and he treated me like one, but now I see that he's just a boy. All those feelings of attraction and respect vanished. It's strange, isn't it? I should have been heartbroken, but honestly, I wasn't. But somewhere along the line, I made a decision to dig a big hole, burying everything that no longer serves me and moving forward, and that's kind of what I did with him.
I still approach problems in a unique way, but I've become about 60% calmer now. The other day, I found myself talking to the mirror, loving my reflection, and gracefully forgiving my exes and myself. It's all in the past now. The person I see in front of me deserves better than to be treated like a game or to be with someone who can't figure out what they want. I won't let any guy damage me like I did before. I guess I've finally realized my worth. While the love stories may have had their great moments, the painful endings were a part of me that I'll never forget. However, I've forgiven them. It doesn't break my heart the way it used to.
Another incident involved meeting a friend who used to believe lies about me spread by someone else. Initially, it upset me, but over time, my friends apologized and realized the truth. While it didn't bother me much, it was a reminder of how much I had grown. I no longer held onto anger; it was just a story from the past. I had burned that bridge long ago.
I've been working to shift from a victim mindset to a growth mindset, and it's been a game-changer for me. Yes, I've faced abuse and heartbreak, but instead of letting them defeat me, I've grown stronger. Being bullied in university taught me resilience, and getting my heart broken multiple times taught me what I truly deserve in a relationship. Even missing my flight ended up being a positive experience.
I chose to appreciate what I have. Simple morning rides to Canggu, my friendships with Amy, my best friend for two decades, and with my other close friend Puput, whom I often meet at airports as we drop each other off, a commitment we've made to maintain our long distance friendships. My cousin Dea, a planner who once treated me to a lovely vacation in Solo, while also seeking my advice on how to relax. The beautiful islands and the wonderful people who where I've chosen to make my home. My plants, thriving in the tiny garden I've cultivated. My job, providing me with stability. I realize I've often taken these blessings for granted, focusing more on what's gone wrong than on what's right, on what's left me rather than on what stays, and on what's caused me pain rather than on what's brought me joy.
Slowing down and healing for nearly two years has been really important for me. I feel like I've faced the worst, and now, not much scares me. Handling letdowns isn't as hard as it used to be, and sometimes I can even laugh at life's problems. It's like I've finally made friends with life, after spending thirty years fighting it. Life brings disappointments, but that's okay. None of this would've happened if I hadn't chosen to live in Bali, to take things easy, and to take breaks when needed. L
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