I keep a journal that I frequent, more or less, on a weekly basis. It is a book of blank pages, no lines, where I can draw and scribe what is going on in my life. This blog, and the associated documents that I keep to prepare for posts, has become a similar method of journaling. It began with a flood of thoughts, feelings, and progress and has slowed in cadence a bit as my life in diapers has smoothed into a routine or pattern of wearing.
Typically my writing is very much in one journal or the other. I have siloed these two parts of myself so much, but today has felt different. I know that this part of my life should be chronicled, but I worry about what anyone reading my life's journal would. I have barely gained a grasp on it myself, and I don't know how others in my life would take it. Today I wrote in my journal on the same topic that I'm currently typing out, and it feels different. Blurring the two worlds is a bit uneasy or uncomfortable. Especially writing first a version of the events (sans diapers) in my journal. The only time I have written about diapers in my journal I ended up ripping the pages back out and destroying them.
I don't feel this particular subject will be revelatory in connecting these two journals, but find it interesting that it is the first real time I have found myself recalling very similar thoughts/feelings/emotions about the same topic in both places.
Anyways……
I'm not good at self-care. I have this engrained feeling/compulsion to try and fix things for others and neglect myself. While it appears to be service and losing myself in building up others I also know that I am not giving myself the time/space/place for my own rest and growth. A recent week has been especially difficult in this arena. I have found myself losing grip on emotional stability, and feeling despair/depression/pain in trying to get through a normal day. Daily tasks can take on such a monumental weight where everything hurts.
I found some great gains in removing small things like social media and unnecessary messages into my life. I simplified what I allowed myself to think about and focus on in the early days of the week, and I found some footing in those efforts. The pain lessened, and I was able to get through most of my work day while retaining mental stability/sanity.
I continued these efforts with wearing more consistently than before which also brings some peace into my life.
This continued into the weekend where I woke up earlier than the rest of the family with a rather annoying headache. Instead of sleeping in I stayed up and worked to remove the pain in my head. Once the pain began to lessen I found the opportunity to do a few small and simple things that I enjoy where I was taking care of myself. That small moment continued to getting ready for my day where I decided to take a little more care and time in diapering up.
I chose a favorite diaper, pulled out some powder, and while getting the powder out of my cabinet I saw a bottle of baby oil that I cannot remember how it got in there. I don't remember buying it. Even laying down to diaper myself was a moment of time that I don't normally take. Those few minutes set the stage where I felt so much better. I added a onesie to the mix, and finished getting dressed for the day.
Crinkling around the house I worked on a number of things that were on my list of to-dos with a little more positivity. Tasks I loathe were not as negative as normal. The thought came to mind to share my morning with my wife, and hope that we'd have time like that later today. Unfortunately the time was not there, and the conversation was missed. I think that missed moment might have changed the outcome of the rest of my day.
The day progressed into the afternoon and evening, and there was a possibility of time alone without our children. I began working in my mind to allow the space where I could have a moment like that morning again with my wife in the evening. I had worked out and was going to shower, and had hoped it could be a great moment to diaper back up and allow simplicity and little space.
That moment would not happen as my daughter ended up staying home for the evening so I decided to perform the same pattern I had in the morning with myself that evening. I again chose a favorite diaper that I'd wear to bed, and gave myself a few minutes to set the stage for a great mental space.
After getting all ready for the evening I headed out of our room, and in our living room my wife asked me about what I needed to balance out everything going on in my life. I shared with her what I had hoped that evening would be because that is what I felt I really needed. I had been able to replicate the feelings with myself, but I would've loved to share that time/space with my wife.
In that moment I didn't have anything that I needed because I didn't want to focus on a few big items that would need to be addressed in the week to come. I had hoped to maximize the moment of peace with her, but wasn't able to because my daughter was still at the house.
A little bit into the conversation of me trying to explain that I wanted/needed something my daughter came into the living room emotional. We focused our attention on her, and were able to help her work through some of the wonderful pains of growing up. I was also able to parallel what I was experiencing that week with her and what she was going through. She ended up cuddling with me and getting the comfort she was looking for before she headed to bed.
I felt selfish. I felt that I had crossed a line from wanting to take care of myself where I needed to take care of someone else, and it reinforced years of not allowing myself the time and space for self-care.
I am torn because I had finally allowed myself to consider the fact that I needed some time for me. I had conceded to the fact that it was okay to need time, and to have it so immediately removed because of the need of my daughter.
I don't want to feel that self-care is selfish, but the brain attached to the hands that are hammering away at the keyboard on this tablet is swimming in emotion and turmoil. I don't want these feelings to persist. I hope I can find the resolve with myself and with my wife where balance can be restored.
I know little space can help me, but I feel selfish for wanting it.
I felt this was the end of my thoughts, and they were at the time, but after the initial rush of emotions and experience my wife and I got together and had a long talk about how we both felt. These are not easy conversations, and I appreciate that my wife and I were able to navigate it in a way where we both leave the conversation knowing how much we love each other. Our goal is always finding ways to be better together.
I found there are things I need to work on, and I hope that I can put some action behind the outcome of the conversation. It also helped me to raise awareness of what I'm experiencing and how I'm projecting that into the world outside of the walls of my mind.
My wife assured me that taking care of yourself is not selfish. The removal of the emotional weight lift from my chest is a relief that I am always searching for in these conversations. How can we help each other take the pressure off of what is holding us down.
I am so thankful for her support on our journey through life together. We all need to take care of ourselves so we can properly take care of those around us.
Photo: MESSALA CIULLA
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