You left me bleeding out on a stranger's floor, yanked my heart out of my chest, peeled back my ribs like wallpaper, and still had me begging for more.
Shoved it into your pocket and forgot you even had it, so it gathered dust and withered away.
Empty chest, I choked on the shards of bone.
Did you even care?
She called you crying.
You forgot your jacket.
And left me dying in a house full of your friends who never said a word to me as I sat curled up in a chair, feeling lost and confused.
She took a bite out of your heart while it was still beating, grinned with bloody teeth, and batted her dark eyelashes as she chewed.
Everyone said you two were meant to be together. I could hear the whispers of your friends as they said how you two kept returning to each other. Meant to be, I kept hearing.
Where did that leave me?
Tell me, was it worth it every time she went back to him, letting him leave watercolors on her skin?
Were you thinking of her when you pushed me up against the wall in the lake cabin, your hands leaving bloodstains? I could still see the marks she left on your skin.
Did you see her face instead of mine?
I waited for over an hour as you went to rescue her, silently crying as your friends looked on with pity. None of them were brave enough to give me empty condolences. They'd open their mouths but no words came out, turning away as they talked quietly amongst themselves. I sat in that chair, wondering if I left would you even care? Would you even notice that I was gone?
Tell me, was I the other woman, or was she?
You finally came back, smiling that smile I loved, acting like you did nothing wrong. I demanded that you take me home because I was done.
You kept telling me you were sorry, that we could go to the cabin on the lake. We could listen to music and get high.
Was that all I was to you?
You didn't even know what you were apologizing for, did you? I stared out the window as it rained, crying with the sky.
We pulled up to the apartment. I climbed out of the car. You kept begging me to stay even as I heard your phone go off.
I wanted to scream at you. I wasn't the one who left in the first place. You did. Instead, I said, "You don't love me how I loved you." You gaped like a fish out of water. How did you not know? Wasn't it obvious? I spun on my heel and left you in the car. You didn't run after me.
Because I wasn't her.
My brothers found me crying on the couch, and instead of hanging out with their friends, they stayed with me. We watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer as they tried to joke and mend my broken heart. They took my phone and didn't let me text you.
Eventually, you stopped texting me.
Did you go back to her?
Months later, you'd call me because you forgot to take your medicine, and you kept feeling like bugs were crawling all over. The walls were moving, and the voices were loud. I stayed on the phone with you for hours, helping to calm you down. I talked to you like you hadn't broken my heart without a care in the world.
I should've listened to my friends when they told me that's what you did. You went through girls and boys like they were tissues and tossed them in the trash. It was all a game to you. It was easy. I was lonely and desperate. You read that so easily.
Tell me, did you even call her? Or did she not answer her phone?
Are you the other man, or is he?
I wondered if I fell for you too hard. Did I make a mistake? Did I read the signs wrong? I must've.
You're still a memory. I can still feel you on my skin. It's all a hazy memory of smoke. I think about you like how people think about books they read in high school. Briefly. Alluded too.
Do you think of me? Did you find your way back to her? Do you think about the girl who fell in love with you? Who gave you so much without even thinking about it? I gave you my heart, and you didn't even care. Do you have regrets?
Maybe you do.
Or maybe you locked all those memories away in the lakeside cabin. You unlock the door on sad, lonely nights when the drugs don't work and when, once again, she ends up in his steel trap arms.
There I am, laying on the bed, skin like porcelain, hair fanned out around me like a halo, and a smile on my face.
Do you trace down my spine? Do you leave bloody marks and bruises on my shoulders once more?
Or perhaps there's a different ending. Maybe that other me leaves before anything happens. She turns away from your kiss and pushes your hands away. She realizes that she's more than a body for you to get lost in. She pulls on her clothes and walks to the edge of the dock. She takes a leap, making no noise as she disappears into the water and sinks to the bottom like I was never there in the first place.
Maybe I never was.
-K
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