I've just returned from a trip to Europe and it was an interesting experience. But never fear, I'm not about to do a travelogue. The reason is because no one would want to read that, not even me and it was my trip. A story much more fun to share is one where I make fun of my husband. Of course, I'm going to do this in a loving way – sort of.
To begin with there are two things you should know about my spouse. His idea of a successful overseas trip is when he's used up the entire amount he had prepaid on his train, metro, or tube card. Even better is when he's used up all the foreign currency he acquired for the trip.
The joy he gets from those two things is astonishing. I'm talking high fiving in a London tube station when our last journey on the tube was precisely the amount we had left on our cards. It was like he had just won a prestigious travel award for best vacation pre-planning.
I half expected him to jump up on one of the exit turnstiles and give a speech. A kind of, "Thank you, thank you so much. But I would be remiss if I didn't give a shout out to the Rick Steves travel books and various apps for making this honor possible."
He's also a very focused tourist. By day three of our vacation I told him that I felt like he had morphed into an AI robot. The man knew everything. His specialty was directions. Turn right, turn left, veer here. Using his phone and an abundance of direction apps he guided us all over two countries and we never got lost.
Granted I'm not sure if he saw a lot on our vacation because he was always looking at his phone. At times I would try to help and call out my own directions as in "Oh, there's a sign that says Buckingham Palace is this way. We should turn."
For my troubles I usually received a growl and a comment like "every single app on my phone would disagree with you."
His tour de force though was transportation logistics. From boats to planes and trains he showed a stunning mastery. When we got on an "Uber boat" in London to bypass several weekend protest parades and scheduled tube shutdowns I was impressed. The streets were packed but the Thames was wide open.
When I told him he was a genius he didn't disagree. He just gazed off the bow of the boat as it zoomed down the Thames and nodded his head majestically like I imagined Admiral Lord Nelson did after the1805 Battle of Trafalgar.
My husband's other AI attribute or I guess you could really call it "fun with math" was his newfound love of seeing how quickly he could calculate in dollars what something was in pounds and euros. He has so much fun playing this game that he earnestly wanted me to join in.
I declined and then gave in because he looked so sad when I said, "hard pass." But when my ability to do pounds and euros math was less than inspiring, I feared he was going to make flashcards for me so I could "get up to speed."
Back home and still extremely jet lagged I told my husband that I remained in awe of his travel talents. He didn't really respond because in the more "fun with math" department he was calculating the VAT taxes we were charged from pounds into dollars.
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Epic yard wars (Because it's always a good day when you call tell the HOA to suck it.), a PTA take down (Spoiler alert - lice is a great way to clear a room), bizarre goings on at a Parents Day Out program, Little League intrigue (Apparently, you don't know real power until you become "Commissioner" of your local Little League.), a tale of Vacation Bible School taking an, ahem, rather unfortunate turn, how to get kicked out of the Junior League (It was harder than you might think), a science fair stalker and turning Christmas inflatables into a revenge plot
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