I've wanted to wear diapers for as long as I can remember. The majority of my life has since been a struggle of wanting diapers, but not wanting to want them. That was until one very late migraine-filled night on a business trip when I had the concept of peace through self-acceptance enter my mind.
Looking back into my youth I have memories when I found diapers and wore them. These were typically a cousin's diapers while at their house or some other version of that I believe most ABDLs can relate to. I was naive and young, but why would I risk wearing a diaper around friends and family? It was moments like this that helped me realize that diapers have been a part of who I am since the beginning of my life.
The path to stepping out of self-hate and shame of wanting to wear diapers was not easy. There wasn't a road map (although perhaps something like this would've been great back then..) and I didn't know where to begin, but I knew that something needed to change. I had gone decades with running to diapers and then running away from them because of the shame that set in surrounding who I saw in the mirror.
Perhaps the string of words that I wrote over two years ago into this journal could be a path..
Embrace
Even if we don't understand "why" we want to wear diapers we must find a way to embrace the fact that we do. Stop hating yourself for returning to them, and allow the space where you give yourself the grace to understand this part of yourself.
I still wish I could find that image that changed things for me. The image of an ABDL in another part of the world that was experiencing the same pain and shame that I was. This person share a photo of them wearing what I would now describe as a Kigurumi (think Halloween costume meets adult PJ onesie) and a single word "acceptance." I reached out that night, and would still like the opportunity to tell this person how much their one word changed how I thought about myself.
Understand
Once I was able to allow myself the moment to consider diapers as part of who I am, and not something that made me a horrible person, I allowed the space for learning and understanding. It opened the door for me to ask "why" I wanted to reach for them for deeper reasons than the initial, sexual urges that overcome so many of us in our search for a diapers place in our lives. This part was HARD! I called this "normalizing." I had to allow diapers to be worn past the initial stimulus, and learn what I was feeling.
It was in this space that I learned about the emotional connection that I have with diapers. It was here that I began to understand how they could be a tool for me in various parts of my life. It was when I gave myself a chance that growth was able to occur.
Accept
It was at this time that I shared with my wife. I'm not sure what triggered the need for me to get this part of me out of my brain, but I see it as another large step of growth in my journey. There are not words to properly describe how much I appreciate my wife for the experiences she went through as I tried to express something I didn't truly understand myself. She struggled to gain grasp on what I was telling her as I struggled to understand the words that were coming out of my mouth.
I wouldn't recommend this approach, and is a large reason my Discord server exists today. Finding opportunities to express what has been bouncing around in your head is a huge step in being able to accept it. This person is often a friend or therapist, and I know there is a special place for those that share our burdens as we struggle through life's trials (I felt diapers were a trial for so much of my life). It was because of the strong foundation that my wife and I had that we were able to navigate our lives and the addition of diapers.
My ability to accept myself was largely connected to her ability to accept me. I was dealing with both at the same time, and her progress meant progress for me. This was a slow process, and I would encourage you to give yourself and the people you have shared with sufficient time and space needed to properly work through all the associated emotions, thoughts, and feelings that will come as you admit to yourself and others that you want to wear diapers.
My wife is amazing! If she can find a way to love every part of who I am, shouldn't I be able to do the same?
Incorporate
It was around this step that diapers began to lose the stigma of something that made me a horrible person, or something that made me horrible because I wanted them. Diapers could have a positive role in my life, and they became a tool in the toolbelt/toolbox that I pulled from as I navigated the experiences that life put in front of me.
I began to incorporate wearing diapers as part of my day/week/life. Interestingly enough here a bifurcation occurred between AB and DL for me. I now wanted to wear diapers to help me balance life (DL), and my little side began to show up and help me understand what the AB in ABDL meant to me. Printed diapers were still neat and fun, but with different emphasis and reason. Diapers became more utilitarian in typical wearing. My favorite diapers were the ones that allowed me to continue to adult and live my life while not being too loud, bulky, or obvious.
Operate
The presence of both Adult Baby (AB) and Diaper Lover (DL) in my life has brought me to probably where I am now. I know the two parts exist, and I must leverage them appropriately. My little side helps me realize when I need to take a break or step back, but I don't listen often enough. I need to be better with work-life balance and recognize the need to recharge my batteries. AB and my little side is one of these ways, and I'm not very good at it. I don't have the comfort level to allow myself to be little. I don't create the time and space where this can properly occur.
I'm trying to figure it out, but I feel that I may need help here. My wife's own comfort level with diapers in our life has seen amazing growth. I've shared with her how I feel I need help in allowing myself to be little, and I think she will be important in my growth in this area.
I also feel growth here can occur through friendships with other ABDLs. I am thankful for each friendship that I've been able to create digitally, and hope that someday I can give handshakes, high fives, or hugs to some of the people who've helped get me to where I am today. I see the ability for real life interactions with other ABDLs to create opportunities for additional growth.
I'm excited and very nervous as those moments present themself.
You
Where does all of this go? A point where we are living our lives. A point where diapers are an after thought and not a controlling part of our decision-making. I've strived to not allow diapers to control my life. I want them to support me, and never cause me to make decisions where I'm missing out on other parts of my life. I'm thankful that I have the support of a spouse where that is possible.
We are all at different stages of our journey, and perhaps I'll find there are more steps but this is where I currently find myself. I am trying to Operate my life as a husband, father, spouse, professional, volunteer, church leader, human being, ABDL, and so many other things. I am hoping that I'm brave enough to take my own next steps. For me, that is growing friendships with other ABDLs in real life settings.
Here's to the next step, whatever that is for you and me.
I hope the absolute best for you, and offer you support in your journey as we work to be the best diapered people possible.
Photo: Lisa Fotios
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