Editor's Note: I had not met Bruce Simpson until last week. However, I have known about him for several months. Bruce shared his story for my state bar association, the ABA, and various news sources. I organized a CLE discussion about attorney mental health for the Kentucky Bar Convention and reached out to Bruce to participate. He graciously agreed and did a wonderful job. I am pleased he also agreed to an interview here so I can share some of his words with those who could not attend the session.
1. Tell me about yourself.
I did not realize or appreciate that I had any "mental health" struggles or a mental health problem until after I attempted suicide. I thought I was simply too weak to fix what I thought were merely my own self-created, "emotional problems." I was raised like many kids in the 50s and 60s and even now where your "worth" as a human being was based on how well you performed in athletics or something else that your parents' thought was "worthy".
Early Life and Education
In my case, it was athletics. When I performed well, I was not criticized but when I performed poorly, I was constantly berated. This took place daily between the ages 11 and 18. As a result, I had extremely poor self-esteem, acted out in school, and got sent to the principal's office more than any kid I knew. I did not study for any test between 9th and 12th grade except for one final. I thought I was worthless and weak.
I learned from my father not to complain because that meant I was weak, that I should "suck it up" and be "like a man." So, for 60 years, I did not think I had a mental illness problem. It was ingrained in me that I had a Bruce Simpson personal problem, that I was simply too ineffectual. I did not realize there was anything to fix. I knew I was worthless.
I did not legally graduate from high school. I was socially promoted. I did not pass the required classes. My GPA was 1.4 for 4 years. I tried to go to the UK but flunked out with a 1.1 GPA after 3 semesters. I got drafted into the Army. This gave me a wake-up call. I was away from home for 2 years and on my own. I did well in the Army serving above rank. I also got serious and upon my discharge was ready to get serious about school.
College to Law Practice
I went year-round for 4 years and obtained my BA in sociology and MSW degrees. I made a 3.3 or higher every semester for my BA degree and a 3.9 in graduate school. I studied all the time. I performed well objectively but I still thought I was an imposter. I was terribly insecure. I thought I would never get a girlfriend because I was not attractive enough. So, I married the first girl who was attracted to me. I thought I would never find another girlfriend. This insecurity, the lack of self-worth was an integral part of my life for 60 years.
I did not start to think other people thought I was worthy until my early forties when I started to have some success as a lawyer. People would tell me they saw one of my trials or hearings and compliment me. I was stunned. Really? I asked. This felt great. This continued for the next 30 or so years. I became well known in central Kentucky for land development controversies, hearings, and trials. Internally, though, I knew I was an imposter.
Early Views about Mental Health
During this time whenever I would read about a lawyer getting into trouble for one reason or another, I thought to myself, if that were me, I would kill myself. I could not lose this self-worth I had obtained if only because people would tell me I was a good lawyer. I recall one vacation my wife and I took to Europe. I was a solo practitioner at the time, and a thought popped into my head about halfway across the ocean that I might have missed a statute of limitations filing in a case. This thought would pop into my head 10-15 times per day.
The only way I found I could cope and not ruin the trip for my wife was to conclude, "Look if you missed the statute, you will just kill yourself when you get home." The truth is I was on autopilot to kill myself for 30 years if I ever perceived other people would not consider me worthy. Thus, on January 24, 2023, when I saw I had not filed a brief in a highly publicized case I won at trial and that it was going to be a published decision, I knew I had to take my own life. There was no question about it. I was ready to die.
2. Without revealing any confidence, how did you manage your law practice as you address your mental health needs?
I did not manage my mental health needs because I did not know I had any such needs. I thought it was me being weak. I did not believe any therapist could talk me into being strong and I thought medication would just make me high.
3. What supports, people, groups, or resources helped you the most in managing your mental health?
I had to be involuntarily institutionalized at Eastern State Hospital after my suicide attempt. This was the first time I had any mental healthcare. I have been in therapy and on medication since. I am now doing better than ever. I have never felt better. I think more clearly than ever. I am performing better than ever in trials and hearings, and I do not need anyone's affirmation to tell me I am worthy.
I know I am worthy. While therapy and medication have been crucial to my recovery, my increased faith in God and following Him daily has been super important. No one could have been more purposeful to die on January 25, 2023, than me. I suppose I will never be able to fully explain to everybody's comprehension how a brand new, loaded .357 Magnum pistol with hollow point bullets did not fire when the hammer of the gun hit the bullet while the gun was pointed at the side of my head when I pulled the trigger.
This is especially unlikely because I had just test fired this brand-new gun only a moment earlier and a removed the spent shell casing from the gun. I had seen the live bullet rotate into the firing chamber just like it did during the test firing. Yet, it did not fire and before I could try again, the police where driving towards me because I had called 911 before I tried to kill myself. I did not want an innocent person to find my body.
4. What is the most important thing you wish the legal profession understood about mental health?
The legal profession as well as the public at large must learn to appreciate that mental illness is a serious and legitimate illness just like cancer, heart disease and the like. Mental illness and its treatment should not have the stigma attached to it that it does. This stigma deters mentally ill people from obtaining the treatment they need, and which works.
Too many of us mock mentally ill people. I confess I used to do it. This is wrong and it is damaging to those who suffer mental illness. As far as the legal profession in particular, the culture must change. I practiced 20 years in Big Law and 20 years in small firms. Leaders of law firms need to be much more tuned into the quality of life of their subordinate attorneys.
This "all-in" push to generate maximum money to the exclusion of people's mental health is sick. Too many leaders give lip service to caring about their attorneys but in fact, the unwritten code is if you want to stay employed and make the "esteemed partner" class, you better demonstrate the firm comes first and so does money.
Lawyers are also encumbered much like doctors by the potential to be "infected" with the perfectionism syndrome. Too many of us believe we must be perfect as lawyers and anything less is unacceptable because clients will get hurt, and the firm will get sued. I do not see any way around this conundrum.
It is something we must live with when we choose this profession. I also think lawyers should be rewarded for service to the community and pro bono work. Yet, few firms do. I believe this service component actually enhances the image of the firm which draws more business.
5. How did you find the courage to start being open about your mental health story?
My situation is unique, I think. By all logic, I should have died that night. There is no rational reason I should be alive today. I was locked in on killing myself. I wanted to finish my mission in that cemetery, but the police officer did not leave. The rest is detailed in my article, but it was only on January 25, 2024, my one-year anniversary, that I told the rest of the story which happened that night. I posted on my Facebook account and my LinkedIn Account. I do not have courage. I am simply empowered by God to speak out.
6. How has your experience managing your own mental health affected your life and work?
Mental health treatment and my newfound faith have changed my life so radically, there are no words to adequately describe how blessed I feel, how clearly, I think and how good I feel about myself.
Bruce's Bio: Bruce Simpson has been a civil trial lawyer for 40 years in Lexington, KY where his practice has focused on land use litigation and civil rights violations. Bruce is admitted to practice in all state and federal courts in Kentucky, the United States 6th Circuit Court of Appeals, and the United States Supreme Court.
He has a Bachelor of Arts, Master of Social Work and Juris Doctorate Degrees from the University of Kentucky. Bruce is a past president of the Fayette County Bar Association. He is also a past president and current board member of the Children's Advocacy Center of the Bluegrass, which exclusively serves sexually abused children. Additionally, he is a member of the board of directors of the Kentucky Equal Justice Center and Mental Health America-Kentucky Chapter.
Bruce is a United States Army infantry veteran who served 2 years of active duty and 4 years of reserve duty.
This post is the first of an ongoing series. If you are in the legal profession and are interested in sharing your story, please submit a query here. If you are not sure about sharing your story, there is no shame in taking your time. For a bit of inspiration about the benefits it might offer, however, check out my post here.
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children's book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
Like this post? Subscribe to the blog here or follow us on social media:
No comments:
Post a Comment