The legendary BBC 10.00pm BBC news anchor Dai O'Reah brings his news-reading half an hour of infamy to a close as follows:
"And so that marks the closing of this BBC newscast, with our nightly section about "Aaawwwe, innat lovely the way dem animals looks after each uvva an' that, innit?", adding "And now I'm off back to the Funny Farm to get my rocks off with that pretty young male nurse I accidentally paid a sum in excess of...."
SFX and noises off as Dai kicks and screams, "You lot started it, forcing me to read all this nightly shit about eating sea-snakes, scorpions, giant ants, Tarantula spiders and Blister Beetles isn't it, when all I wanted to do was....."
Scream noises fade and the screen suggests that "an unexpected error has occurred", before a reassuring BBC voice enunciates as follows:
"We're very sorry about that unscheduled interruption of our nightly news summary, but let's instead go over now to our popular co-respondent and Ancient Roman history Dutch analyst Pedder File for a catch-up on this story...or some other story offering a distraction from the disappearance of steak-muncher fanatic Santa Klaus von Sleigh-Bells...."
"Yes and hello over zere in the Outer Limits of unser geliebte Europeanische Onion for ze final rounds [using live ammunition] of the European Pong Incest, wherein ze first und most wichtig rule eez zat ze English ollvays come second, because zaire music is not quite crap enough to vin...."
But now we interrupt this distraction in turn with a diversion, as the BBC is thrown into confusion by the arrival of genuine news information into the media studio.....
"Newsreader Smears Pogrom has the story.....
"Alarming reports coming into our studios here right now in realtime-breaking- live appear to show that Southern parts of Spain have disappeared and could by now be floating towards wherever takes their fancy:
The ramifications of this are too horrible to contemplate, which is why we're not going to get into any of it because our advertisers are uneasy about stuff like this and let's be clear here, we don't let these spineless jellyfish anywhere near The Slog anyway,
Either way, Anadalucia is a holiday destination - NOT an ideal society. One can't compare the carnal desires of Manuel the tight-bottomed waiter to those of our innocent youngsters.
And by the way, I trust that all readers of this post are up to speed with my wicked irony herein displayed for all to see.
Somewhat harder to discern, however, is where the loss of daily reality debate begins, and the fancifully denialist claptrap ends.
Much as I look forward to a scoreline that one day reads Manchester United 9, Manchester City 0, I have neither illlusions nor delusions about its likelihood before I depart the physical world.
Er, that's it.
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