Everything I learned about healthy relating, connecting & dealing with conflict originated with a whole a lot of work in my family of creation.
I did not come by it naturally. I wasn't taught it as a child, nor did I feel seen, heard, and understood. (Rather, I felt like I was in continuous fight or flight: "walking on eggshells" was how we termed it).
So when I tell you I learned how to work toward a harmonious family atmosphere, I speak it with integrity. Building healthy relationships in my homeschool family has been my adult journey.
Because I came from high conflict, an emotional & mental war zone, where I didn't feel seen, heard, or understood unless someone needed me in crisis, I did not have healthy connection skills. Naturally, I didn't know how to go about building healthy relationships in my homeschool family.
30 to 40 years ago – –
📌 I learned to defend myself by being angry, withdrawing, or fleeing.
📌 And I learned not to trust, even if I consciously wanted to.
📌 I learned it wasn't safe to be the real me.
Because I was unaccustomed to being seen, heard, or understood, I certainly didn't know how to give that beautiful gift to others.
When I learned about self-soothing, life & relationships began to change.
Here's what I've learned about "average" family dynamics:
👉 Every family and every relationship has conflict.
👉 Relationships are a dance between two people, each trying to honor their true sense of self and the other's.
👉 Disappointment and frustration are inevitable; no human can prevent them completely.
👉 Healthy, satisfying relationships are built on being seen, heard, and understood—and they take work.
👉 As a dear counselor and friend once told me, "Relationships are living, breathing organisms that need continual feeding and nurturing."
Recently, I shared that I was looking forward to one of my daughters coming home, reminiscing about the simpler times when they were younger and less adept at handling conflict. Not because I wanted conflict, but because I anticipated it.
When she returned home, I didn't see the conflict I expected. My children have learned to engage with each other, to see, hear, and understand one another enough to have a whole lot less conflict.
Ultimately, my goal is to see, hear, and understand those within my family. Perfectly imperfectly, of course! Yet, I see the fruits of this effort in how my children relate to each other.
For all you homeschooling moms out there, know that it's possible to create a harmonious family atmosphere, even if it feels like an uphill battle in seasons.
Let's focus on building healthy relationships in your homeschool family. I'd be honoured to walk this journey together, supporting you to shed what's not working, so you can embrace your authentic self, and grow in confidence and purpose.
Join me, Teresa, in a no-obligation conversation to determine how we could do that (as a Certified Life Coach, that's what I do!)
This foreign concept of looking after my big emotions & needs, especially when I am frustrated or disappointed, was next level.
I was in awe when others moved into relationships with ease, expecting good from others, willing to risk, and yet not as reactive when they felt frustrated or disappointed.
But now I know these skills can be practiced, though messily. We can learn to grow ourselves up, be willing to risk, enjoy relationships more easily, expect good from others, and become less reactive to our hurts.
1. Active Listening Exercises:
Practice active listening techniques, such as repeating back what someone has said to ensure understanding and validating their feelings.
If you want to learn how I taught my kids these basics, read this.
Also, if you want to learn one approach that taught me how to incorporate it, check this out.
And this is the book that taught me about it.
2. Conflict Resolution Techniques:
Teach and use "I" statements (i.e. "I feel upset when…"), and work together to find mutually beneficial solutions.
And when you don't remember to do this before you angrily jump into accusation or shaming, ask if you can do a Redo instead (i.e. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. Can we do a Redo?)
3. Emotion Regulation Skills:
Introduce self-soothing techniques like deep breathing, mindfulness, or journaling to manage big emotions.
4. Consistent Routines:
Establish consistent daily routines to provide a feeling of stability and predictability. (Flawless routines aren't required here, just predictable and expected routines).
Additional ideas for building healthy relationships in your homeschool...
5. Positive Reinforcement:
Use positive reinforcement to show your kids that you noticed how they showed up positively.. Everyone wants encouragement occasionally (& everyone wants to know they're seen in their shining moments).
6. Eyeball to Eyeball Time:
Engage in regular family bonding activities like game nights, outdoor adventures, or creative projects. Or just sit down once a week with each child and listen to their stories of Lego builds, the dream they had last night, how they built that rock animal, or anything at all that is important to them.
7. Modeling Healthy Behavior:
I know it's not possible to do this flawlessly because you're human FYI.
And don't waste your time or energy self-shaming if you made a tiny (or giant) mistake!
However, if you see particular behaviours on repeat, know that this is a sign that you need to create a plan to address your challenges with or without outside assistance.
Our goal is to demonstrate healthy behaviors and communication skills in your interactions with others.
8. Use External Resources:
Make use of resources such as books, podcasts, or workshops on parenting and relationship-building.
Mindset Shifts for Building Healthy Relationships in your Homeschool...
1. Embrace Imperfection:
Accept that no family is perfect, and strive for progress rather than perfection in your relationships.
2. Cultivate Empathy:
Foster a mindset of empathy by putting yourself in your children's shoes and understanding their perspectives.
3. Focus on Connection Over Correction:
This was such a foreign concept for me as no one was trying to connect; moralizing over every action was the prime importance.
Rather, focus your priorities on building a strong, loving connection with your kids over constantly correcting their behavior.
4. Stay Present as Much as Possible:
Practice being fully present in the moment, giving your full attention to your children and your interactions.
You won't always be able to since you're engaging them 24/7 as a homeschool mom, but make sure that you set aside time to do it intentionally: they need eyeball-to-eyeball time.
5. Celebrate Small Wins:
Recognize and celebrate small victories and improvements in your family dynamics.
6. Adopt a Growth Mindset:
View challenges and conflicts as opportunities for growth and learning for both you and your children.
I believe that's why we're here: to grow. (I haven't seen anyone not called to a growth journey yet)!
So determine to accept that growth journey.
7. Practice Patience and Compassion toward Yourself:
Be kind to yourself and your children, showing compassion and understanding during difficult moments.
8. Encourage Independence & Autonomy:
When you encourage your kids to express their needs and feelings, it fosters independence and self-advocacy.
I know I found this challenging because kids don't always express their needs and feelings in low-emotion ways --and coming from a high-emotion, unpredictable family of origin, I felt threatened when emotions ran high. (Truthfully, I still do at times).
(And young kids often have high emotions and are unpredictable: I'm sure you know that;)
But your goal is to listen to them: see, hear, and understand them just as you wanted to be seen, heard, and understood too.
9. Set Realistic Expectations (for yourself and the kids):
So set realistic expectations for yourself and your children, understanding that growth and change take time.
Learn more about unrealistic expectations here. (ps I'm the Queen of Unrealistic Expectations, so I can share a whole lot!)
With intention and repeated effort, you can create a more harmonious homeschool family where everyone can feel seen, heard, and understood. You got this, girlfriend! xx Teresa
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